NO EXCUSES, NO APOLOGIES, NO REGRETS
Part 22 - Hide & Seek

JUSTIN

I look down at the letter I've just printed off my computer, the uncertainty etched in my brow. What the fuck am I really thinking? This is a horrible, horrible idea. Brian will fucking kill me. My defense, seconds before he rips me a new asshole, would be, 'I thought it was a good idea at the time.' And I do feel I'm doing the right thing. Still, should I even attempt this?

"What's the matter with you?"

Connor enters my room without knocking, a habit he's picked up. I haven't had cause to get mad at him yet. It's not like he's ever walked in during an embarrassing moment of ecstasy or something. Oh no. If only I was so lucky to have a spare moment to get it up during the week. I save all of my energy for my weekends with Brian. And only Brian. Besides not having the time for anyone else, I'm content with just being with him. Now if only the same could be said about him...

I get out of my thoughts and mutter something under my breath, leading him to toss me an odd look.

"In English, you nerd," he says, getting comfy on my bed.

I hand him over the letter, watching as he reads it from top to bottom. When he's done, he looks up at me, a smile forming on his mouth.

"This is pretty good," he says.

"You really think so?" I ask, relieved that someone else likes it, but still uncertain at the same time.

He nods confirmation and asks, "I know your transcript should look fucking amazing, the *nerd* that you are." He pauses to wink at me before continuing, "Show me which samples you're sending in."

I join him on the bed, open my portfolio and skim through it, eyes scanning for the chosen few.

"Not this one," he says when I show him the choices.

"Why not? I like that one," I defend.

He shakes his head. "This one is much better, shows your skill with computer graphics." He points to a favourite of mine, one that I'd been inspired to draw on a lonely week night.

He's right. What was I thinking sending in that other one? Oh God. They're going to hate my work. They'll think I'm a talentless bore and...

Connor notices the inward battle I'm going through and socks me on the shoulder. I'm caught off guard and end up falling off the bed. I should be pissed, but I'm not because I've figured him out. And his tactic worked.

When I get to my feet, he's chosen my samples for me.

"Stop worrying so much," he tells me after another minute or so.

"I can't help it," I confess. "You see... Brian..."

He waits.

"Do you think I should tell Brian?" I ask.

He shakes his head. "What good will that do? You want to do this thing fair and square, right?"

I nod.

"Besides," he adds. "This isn't about Brian. This is all about you, Jus. So just relax."

I slump into my chair. "Aren't you nervous? Or is yours all taken care of?"

He shrugs... and then his eyes get an odd gleam. "You know..."

"What?"

"Nothing." He gets off the bed and heads for the door.

"Connor?" I call after him, confused at his weird behaviour. I should be used to his weirdness, but I'm not.

The last thing I see before he exits is his jean-clad butt. Before I get a chance to follow him, my cell rings.

"Hey," It's Brian.

"Hey." I can't help the smile I break into. I still get goose bumps every time I hear his voice or see his name appear on my caller id. I'm so lame. I really am turning into a fucking girl.

"Busy?" he asks.

"Not anymore," I tell him. "What's up?"

He sighs. "I just needed to hear a friendly voice."

"What's wrong?"

"Vance is fucking riding my ass on this baby food account. Among other things."

"I thought you don't bottom for anyone?" I try to joke to lighten his mood.

No response. Maybe the joke was a bad idea.

"What were you doing before I called?"

"Connor and I were just going through my portfolio and stuff."

"Yeah?" he asks. "Which one is going to make you rich and famous?"

I laugh. "Ha. I wish. No, I um..." I pause, feeling the tremble entering my voice. Calm down, Justin, I tell myself. "Just getting together some of my better stuff to send around. We've got to start getting some practical experience, you know, to graduate and stuff."

"I see." He doesn't sound like he's been listening to a word I've said.

"Yeah." So I'm sending one to Vanguard, ok, Brian?

Sure Justin, send it along. I'll see what I can do for you.

No, no, don't do anything, Brian. I want to do this by myself.

Are you sure, Justin?

Positive.

I don't get any of it out; the rock stuck in my throat ensures that.

"What are you doing later?" he asks.

"Hmmmm."

"Why don't you come over?"

I look over my class schedule and see I have an 8am class tomorrow.

"Can't," I tell him.

I hear his deep sigh and feel bad immediately.

"Ok," he says coldly. "I've got a meeting now."

"Later," I say, but he's already hung up.

"Justin! Get your ass out here!"

I laugh and click save on my computer. "Give me a sec!" I shout back.

When I open the door, I come face to face with a stranger. "Fuck!" The curse escapes from my mouth before I remember my manners. "I'm sorry. I didn't realize we had a guest."

I toss Connor an evil look, but he ignores me and laughs. "Jus, meet my old man." Connor has the manners of a goat. "Dad, this is my roomie, Justin Taylor."

"Nice to finally meet you, Justin," Mr. Sullivan says with a smile, offering a palm to me. "Connor's told me a lot about you."

I raise a brow. "He has?"

Connor sticks his tongue out as he walks over to us, a tray with glasses of ice in his hands. "Come sit with us."

I take the lone sofa and accept the drink Connor hands me. I sneak a look at the man Connor calls 'dad.' He's tall and thin, as would be expected, considering Connor's own tall and lean frame. His eyes are a plain brown, unlike Connor's beautiful unique ones. But he's handsome, no denying that fact... for a man his age anyway.

"So Connor tells me you're at PIFA as well?" Mr. Sullivan asks me.

I nod. "We even share a few classes."

"Connor tells me you're an amazingly gifted young man."

I shoot a look Connor's way quickly, but he's avoiding my eyes. His cheeks are a dark shade of pink. "Dad, you're embarrassing him."

I grin, knowing it's actually the other way around. "I'm fine, Mr. Sullivan."

"Jake, please."

"Ok. Jake."

We sit and talk for a while longer, about school, life and just things that interest us. And I learn a few things. Connor's father is partner at Randstad Agency, a successful Advertising Agency in the Pitts. And it just so happened they were looking for interns. Of course, Connor, being his son, was a likely option... which made me, Connor's new <best friend>, an automatic candidate for another position.

So, this was what Connor was up to. Less than a week had gone by and already, he had daddy over to lend a helping hand my way.

Jake couldn't promise anything, but he was going to try. Of course, his mind was made up after he saw some of my art. I was everything Connor had told him... and more. I had potential, just needed the right men to train me. I was going to get far... once I had the best teachers. And got some work experience.

I was blown away by everything... felt it was a little too much for me. To start with, I had no idea Connor was so impressed by my art. He had never so much as uttered two praising words about it - except the comic book, but he knew that was off limits now, with my decision to not continue it. I was flattered, naturally.

But truth be told, my heart was set at working at Vanguard... with Brian. I had already sent in the application, with a heavy heart, not bothering to tell Brian what I'd done. After all, it didn't concern him, as Connor pointed it. This was about me. I want to work at the best agency in the Pitts, under the best ad-man I know. So what if that happens to be my boyfriend? What's so wrong with that?

I thank Jake for considering me and he says he'll get back to me when he knows anything definite. I leave him with Connor so they can have some privacy and lock myself in my room again. My heart is pounding so loudly I can't even hear myself think. Oh God. Oh God.

Am I ready for this? Am I ready to enter the world of the big boys? Leave my diner days bussing tables behind? Can I handle it?

The answer is an obvious one. After all, we all grow up at some point or another.

BRIAN

Leaning against the cold wall in the backroom of Babylon, my moans of pleasure get lost among the various other sounds - whips clashing against bare skin; groans of agony; chains slapping against each other...

The trick who's blowing me is doing a fair enough job; minutes later I'm zipping up my pants after cumming and he's licking his lips, begging for another taste.

Not tonight though. I'm bored and not in the best of moods. Must've woken up on the wrong side of the bed; alone, as has become the habit lately, something I'm not sure I like anymore.

I exit the room and make my way towards the bar. I need a drink. Emmett, Ted and Blake are here, but lost in the crowd. Mikey and Ben kicked me out after their coconut infused Asian dinner, refusing to step foot in Babylon tonight. What pathetic fags those two make.

I order myself a JB and down it in one shot, pay for another.

"Make that two!" someone tells the bartender.

Looking up, I see it's Justin, his <sunshine> smile on display. I'm surprised to see him. After all, it's a school night. And if he can't make time for me on a school night, why is he making time for Babylon?

"What the fuck are you doing here?" I ask, my sour disposition becoming more intense at the sight of him. I'm still pissed that he didn't come over when I asked him to. I needed him and he totally fucked me over. I'm turning into a bitter fag, indeed I am. And it's all his fucking fault.

He hands me my drink and clinks his glass against mine. "Cheers!"

I cock a brow before swallowing the amber liquid quickly.

"Wanna dance?" Justin asks, his hands already on my waist.

I push his hands off my body, my mood frowsy. We haven't been to Babylon together in ages. He's always fucking busy during the week, too busy for me. And weekends, we don't make it out of bed for much else but food and a shower... if we're sticky enough after all the fucking and cock sucking, which we are.

"I was on my way out," I tell him.

"C'mon, Brian," he tries again. "Just for a little while? We can go back to your place after and..."

I snort. "I don't think so. I've had my fill for the night." Take that, sweetheart. And next time, don't forget actions precipitate re-actions.

He doesn't beg anymore. "Another time then."

"Sure." I walk away from him, get my jacket and exit the club. By the time I realize what I've done; it's too late. And I'm not going back in there to look for him.

"Well, well. Aren't you in a good mood?" Gabriel is incredibly chirpy this hour of the morning, something that pisses me off. I had a shitty night, pissed off my boyfriend and I now have to find some way to make it up to him.

"What the fuck do you want?" I snap. The Starbucks latte Cynthia's put on my desk is hot and I burn my top lip testing it out. "Fuck!"

Gabe grins. "I'd ask if you were ok, but I don't really care."

I glare at him. "Make it quick. I have a presentation in thirty minutes."

"Which is why I'm here," he says as he takes the seat opposite me, his manner serious all of a sudden. "I could've sworn Gardner explained everything too you, Brian." At my blank look, he continues in a harsh, almost angry voice, "Why wasn't I consulted on anything with this account? Am I supposed to sit there and pretend to have made fucking input while you talk out of your ass?"

He's obviously angry. But what the fuck do I care?

"I knew this was a bad idea," he says. "But I'm not going to play along anymore."

I snort. "Don't forget who you're talking to, Mr. McAllister," I say with a smirk, half-joking. "I'm a fucking partner here and can fire your ass before you can say lock, stock and plenty of cock."

He laughs at my attempt at early morning humour, but is obviously unfazed by my threat. "Is that what you think, Bri?"

When I don't respond, he continues, "Do you really think I'd leave a firm that I fucking built to come here and work for <you>? A boy? One that I fucking trained myself?"

And then it hits me... the reality... truth of it all. Why didn't I think about this before? Why didn't I see the absurdity of the situation?

"Don't talk to me in fucking code. Spit it out, whatever you feel you have to say." I say, all of a sudden unsure of myself.

"Ok." He snickers. "I'm not so sure you're going to like what you're going to hear, but... who gives a shit what you like anymore?" He smiles sweetly at my cold expression and gets to his feet. "I won't be treated like shit any longer, Brian. I've swallowed a lot from you over these past months, and none of it was pleasant. But I'm putting my foot down. From now on, it's fifty-fifty on everything. My input is as valuable as yours, maybe even more so. This no longer is your turf, Bri. Do I make myself clear?"

Crystal.

"I'm sorry, Brian."

"Sorry's bullshit!" I return angrily.

Gardner leans back in his leather chair. "I should have told you."

"Yes, you fucking should have. But you didn't. And I want to know why!"

"He didn't want you to know."

"I'm partner here, Gardner! I deserve to know what the fuck's going on!"

He sighs. "I agree. And again, I'm sorry."

"Stop saying you're sorry and tell me what the fuck's going on!"

He takes a full minute to cave, but he does. "We were going down, Brian. I had no other choice, but to call in an investor."

"You're lying," I snap. "Ryder left this company - "

"On its ass!" he butts in to tell me. "He left it in a mess, Brian. Why'd you think I fired everyone? I kept you, but only because you were worth something to me. And you brought in Brown, a campaign that's been fucking good to us, thank God."

"So what made him decide to jump on this sinking ship?" I want to know. Gabriel's rich, but he's not stupid; he wouldn't invest in a failing company just like that.

"I'm not quite sure. He had heard about you, wanted to work with you. I guess you have quite the reputation." At my snort, he sighs. "Plus, he wanted a change. Wanted a challenge. Vanguard offered him that."

I bet it did. I was his fucking challenge, no doubt. And he lost. Now what?

"He's brought a lot of money with him, Brian. We <need> him. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

I understand all right. I may have to kiss his ass from now on, but to hell if I'm going to fuck it.

Can my day get any worse? Apparently, yes, it could. I call Justin when I get home, feeling totally fucked and needing to be around someone tonight. If I'm left to my own devices, God knows what I'll do. But the stupid shit is being a spoilt little brat and refuses to give in an inch. So, yeah, I treated him like dirt last night. What the fuck does he want me to say?

"Forget I even called," I snap childishly and angrily slam the phone back into its handle.

He's turning me into an even bigger drama queen than he is! What's the point of having a fucking boyfriend if he won't even come over when summoned?

I pour myself a scotch, down it quickly and pour another. I can't believe it. I've been played in the worst possible way. By the man I thought I'd never have the displeasure of seeing for the rest of my life... all ten years of it.

I squeeze my temples in an effort to prevent the headache I know is coming. I know how to fix it too. If Justin won't help, I'll just find someone more accommodating. I pick up my little black book, flip it open and start dialing.

JUSTIN

I slide open the door and am greeted with darkness.

"Brian?" I call out.

No answer.

I sigh. Did he decide to go out to Babylon? Before I get a chance to pull out my cell to dial his, I hear moans. Coming from the bedroom. Rolling my eyes heavenward, I walk into the bedroom and find my boyfriend on the bed, naked, getting his cock sucked by a twink. With his eyes closed, Brian almost looks asleep. But I know better. And the fingers gently moving through the twink's blonde hair let me know he's up... in more ways than one.

He must sense my presence because he opens his eyes and they find mine at once.

"Made it after all?" he asks mockingly. "Well don't just stand there, join in."

I snort and turn to the twink. "You!" I push at his arm. "Stop that. Get dressed and get the fuck out."

Twinkie is unimpressed. "Back off, dude! I was here first."

I pick up his shirt and toss it at his head. "I said, <get the fuck out>!"

He glares at me, but I'm not backing down. He turns to get the 'ok' from Brian, but Brian's interest is already elsewhere, on lighting a joint to be exact. I figure he must have fucked the twink already.

With obvious disappointment, the twink puts on his clothes and leaves. I slide the door shut on his retreating ass.

Back in the bedroom, I give Brian my best 'you're so gonna get it' look, but he ignores it, offers me a drag of his spliff.

I accept, almost greedy for it, and crawl up in bed beside him. He pulls me close to him for a kiss, his tongue dueling with mine.

I pull away in need of some air.

He takes back his joint and has another drag. "I bet you miss this when you're playing house with your hetero pal."

I snort and reach for the joint again, but he's holding it above his head, away from my grasp. I have to settle for the taste of it on his tongue.

When we pull apart, he says, "Why don't you finish what you interrupted."

I snort and slap his hand away. "If you think I'm gonna suck you off tonight, you got another thing coming."

He snorts. "Then go away."

I straddle his chest, eyes locked onto his. "Not until we talk."

He stiffens. "No talking, Justin. Not tonight."

I can't help the grin that escapes.

"I'm fucking serious," he adds. "If I hear one fucking peep out of you, I'm kicking your ass out. Got that?"

He's serious. And I'm not up to travelling back to my apartment at this time of night. So, I undress and crawl into bed beside him, wrap my arms around his waist and kiss his back.

"Night, Brian," I say.

He grumbles something seconds before I hear his light snore.

In the morning, I'm greeted with a sloppy kiss on the ear.

"You owe me a blowjob, Sunshine."

I roll over and search for his mouth with my own, my eyes refusing to open. When our tongues meet, it's sweet and short.

"I've got a meeting at nine," Brian tells me as he gets out of our embrace. He slaps my butt. "So get your ass in the shower if you expect me to drop you off."

I groan and open my eyes, my gaze following his bare butt through the bathroom door. I yawn widely before going after him.

In the shower, he soaps my back and tells me about his shitty day and how stressed he's feeling. I sympathize and try to offer suggestions, but he doesn't want me to talk - just listen and kiss him now and again. I try to please him as best as I can, knowing he's going through a hard time. Fucking Gabriel. I knew he was trouble.

I make us coffee and butter slices of toast, lightly for Brian, just the way he likes it. Then he drops me off at my place, but not before a sizzling kiss.

As I watch him drive away in the jeep, I realize I should have told him about my application to Vanguard. He's been trying so hard to keep me abreast of his own life, don't I owe him the same treatment? He at least deserved to know about my meeting Jake Sullivan and the Randstad Agency. Didn't he?

Shit.

Oh well, it's not like I got the internship position yet anyway. I'll tell him when it's a definite.

I walk into the apartment and get changed to start my day.

03/04/03

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