NO EXCUSES, NO APOLOGIES, NO REGRETS
Part 18 - Like A Rolling Stone

JUSTIN

Instead of going over to my mom's like I told Brian I would, I find myself giving the cabbie directions to Felix's hotel. I'm not ready for mom's questioning looks and I-told-you-so glances. With Felix, I don't have to explain anything - he knows what's going on and he'll be a friend. He'll be supportive.

During the ride, I'm lost in my own thoughts. I can't believe things got as bad as they did. I can't help but wonder who's more at fault - Brian or me? I mean, Brian fucking someone should be expected. When does he ever stop to think with anything but his dick? And it's not like we agreed to be monogamous. I should have known better, dammit.

So what's my excuse for pushing him over the edge and then telling him he's just like his fucking father? That was uncalled for. It's the worst possible thing I could probably tell him, EVER... but I was so mad. He hurt me... in more ways than one. I touch my cheek and swallow, wondering if he would... could have really gone through with it and...

I sigh deeply and toss those horrible thoughts out of my head. Brian would never REALLY hurt me. He loves me. I just... I made him do it. Fuck. I sound like one of those seriously fucked up domestic cases, the ones who defend their violently psycho husbands until the end. But, this is different. It is. It is. Brian's not really violent. And I... I'm not hurt... not really.

The cabbie pulls up outside the hotel and I pay him and get out. I'm nervous, but only a little. I know Felix will understand. He's my friend and he'll be there for me now... because I need him more than ever.

The moment he opens the door, I'm in his arms and fighting not to cry. I'm not a baby anymore... I shouldn't be crying like one.

He steers me to a sofa and settles me comfortably. Then, he sits on the edge of the table opposite me and watches me. His gaze is a bit unnerving and I find myself shifting uncomfortably in the chair.

"What?" I finally mutter out.

He raises a brow. "You ok?"

"I don't know," I reply honestly.

He leans forward, elbows on his knees, hands clutched together. "Are you going to tell me what happened?"

Oh shit. Not now, Felix. Can't I get a moment to breathe and NOT talk about how everything is all fucked up between Brian and me?

I sigh. "Can we talk about this later?"

He shakes his head. "No, we'll talk about this now." He lifts my chin up and studies my face, letting his eyes trail every inch of it. "But first, you'll tell me why your bloody face is bleeding!"

My gaze locks with his and now I'm fucking terrified. I shouldn't have come here. This will only make Felix hate Brian and... I don't want anyone judging him. They don't have the right to. He hasn't done anything wrong!

"Felix..." I give him a pleading look.

His hands are clenched together so tightly the knuckles are turning white. "I asked you not to go back there, Justin," he says quietly. But, I know he's exploding inside.

"Nothing happened," I try to explain but, he doesn't want to hear.

"Don't fucking tell me nothing happened!" he shouts, standing up. "How could he do that to you? He's a fucking crazy person!"

"Things just got a little weird."

"He hit you!"

"NO!" I shout back. "Brian would never hurt me."

He doesn't believe me. "You still fucking defend that prick. Unbelievable. Un-fucking-believable."

I don't say anything, sit there and stare at his bare feet. Notice he has blue nail polish on his toes.

"I don't want you seeing him again."

Huh? His comment has me shifting my gaze to his so quickly; I wonder if I'll have a pain in my neck later.

"What did you just say?" I ask, just in case I heard him wrong.

He gives me a knowing look and repeats, "You aren't to see him again, Justin."

I snort and immediately get off the chair. "Who the fuck do you think you are?" I ask angrily. "You aren't my fucking father, Felix! Even he couldn't get me to stop seeing Brian."

"I know I'm not your bloody dad," he flings back hotly. "But, I care about you, you stupid shit! Brian is no good, why can't you see that?"

"I'm not going to have this discussion with you," I tell him. "Or anyone else, for that matter. I never should have come here." I walk towards the door to leave.

"Justin." His tone is serious, so I stop and turn to look back at him. "If you go back to him... I... I'm not responsible for the consequences."

My eyes narrow angrily. "What are you saying?"

He shrugs, navy blue eyes looking intensely into mine. "I'm saying that I won't condone or support a relationship as unhealthy as yours." He sighs. "When you've come to your senses, we can... be friends again. You can get your allowance back."

You. Fucking. Bastard. Kick me while I'm down, why don't you? I can't believe this.

"Is this the way you want it?" I ask him.

"There can be no other way," he replies.

Fuck you then. I turn on my heel and quicken my pace to the door. As I turn the knob, he shouts, "I just want what's good for you. Why can't you understand that?"

I slam the door shut and leave.

"Justin? It's 8 o'clock!"

Mom's knocking wakes me up the next morning.

"I'm up!" I shout back.

After a quick shower, I join her for breakfast. I'm waiting for her to react to the bump under my eye, I mean, it's obvious enough, but she doesn't say anything, her attention fully on the newspaper in front of her. Last night, it was dark and I sort of snuck past her quickly, so she really could not have noticed. But now... it's only a matter of time.

"Where's Mol?" I ask as I pour myself some orange juice.

"Kerry's dad took them to school today," she tells me after she sips her coffee. "That's the good thing about having neighbours with kids who go to the same school."

I grin and butter myself some toast.

"Do you need a ride to school?" she asks.

I nod after a bite. "If you don't mind?"

"I'm free all morning."

I nod and take another bite. As soon as I'm done, I ask her to stop off at the loft for my books, which she agrees to. Brian's not home, he must have left for work early.

Back in the car, the inquisition begins. I had expected it so much sooner.

"Is everything ok?" she asks.

"Sure," I reply.

"Will you be staying over again tonight?"

"I... I'm not sure yet. Is it ok if I do?"

"Of course."

"Good."

"Did you have a fight with Brian?"

"No, mom."

"I'm just asking, honey."

"Well, we didn't have a fight, ok?"

"Ok."

I sigh. "We sort of had a fight. Happy now?"

"Is that how you got that bruise?"

"I must have had a nightmare last night and hit myself," I try.

"Oh... ok."

"I'm fine, Mom."

I'm relieved when we finally get to PIFA. As I'm about to jump out of the car, she says, "Justin, wait." So, I wait. "I'm saying this for your own good, so please hear me out."

I sigh.

"Brian... if he ever does something... to hurt you... I mean, physically - "

"Mom!" I protest immediately.

"Listen to me!" she says firmly. "He's not supposed to be hurting you, Justin. Not if he loves you."

"He didn't do anything!"

"Tell me if he does. That's all I'm asking. You're my son. No mother wants her child to be..."

I nod quickly. "Ok. Ok." And get out of the car before I blow a fuse.

Can my day get any worse?

"Justin!"

It's Connor. Jeez.

"Hey, Sully," I force a smile.

He walks beside me. "You look like shit." He studies me a little before saying, "And what the fuck is going on with your eye? Got stung or something?"

"Thanks," I grumble. "And no, I did not get stung. I was scratching my face and..." I leave the rest of the story for his imagination. He can put two and two together.

"Sure you were," he says with a laugh. "Those look like female claws. What happened? You got fresh around her box and she socked you one?"

I snort. "Not everyone's life revolves around getting laid you know."

It's his turn to snort. "Speak for yourself. I got me two different hunnies for the weekend. Had myself a blast." He closes his eyes and makes some odd hetero sound which has me cringing.

I'm amazed I can be friends with a hetero male... especially after Hobbs. But, Connor's different. Although... he doesn't know I'm gay. I'm sure he'll be fine with it. I hope... because I really like him. He makes my days at PIFA so much better... easier to take.

"At least one of us can glow on a fucking Monday morning," I mutter.

He bumps into me purposely as we enter the building, nearly making me stumble and fall. "So what gives?"

I give him a hard look for his stunt before sighing. "I'm thinking of moving out."

"Oh yeah? How come?"

I had told him a while back that I was living with my partner. He'd never asked much about the partner and I never admitted the partner was a man.

"Not working out?"

I shrug.

"Where you moving to?"

I shrug again.

He laughs at my noncommittal responses. "Well, you can always bunk with me. I've got an extra room. I use it to store my paintings but we can get that fixed up for you pronto, if you'd like?"

I stop walking and tug on his shoulder to get him to look at me. "Are you for real?"

He rolls his eyes. "No, I'm like totally pulling your leg. Of course I'm for real!"

I laugh for the first time since... "I may just take you up on your offer. How much is rent?"

He grins. "That's the best part! *Daddy* owns the building so... it's free!"

Wow. This must be my lucky day.

I find myself back at the loft later, a lone black bag in my hand to pack some things into. The loft is quiet when I enter. I knew he wasn't going to be home. I planned for that circumstance. But, I call out his name just to be sure.

"Brian?"

Once inside, a wave of sadness sweeps over me. Knowing that this isn't the end but... me leaving him... walking away from him again... it hurts. Even if it isn't a permanent thing.

I brush my feelings aside and start throwing stuff from the sofa into my bag.

And then I hear the laughter. Turning around, I see us. Me and him.

He's on the chaise, with me on top of him.  Were both naked and I'm trying to feed him vanilla ice cream. We're laughing like a couple of kids...

My hand shakes... or maybe I do it purposely... he now has ice cream on his nipple, slowly dripping down to his navel and then... even lower. He takes the spoon from my fingers to lick at the remnants of the creamy liquid as I bow my head to suck on his hardened nipple. His body tenses and I hear his moan. Following the ice cream trail, my mouth reaches his dick and I take him inside. His moans reach my ears and I suck him off.

Fuck. I swallow and rush into the bedroom to hide from the image... to get my stuff and run out of there. Before I decide to... forget.

Opening the drawer, I remove my socks and steal a couple pairs from Brian. He won't miss them. Actually, he hasn't even been wearing socks lately so...

In the closet, I remove my clothes from their hangers. Brian must have put them back last night. As my fingers smooth over a jacket, I hear noise coming from the bathroom. Slowly, I walk in. And then it happens again. He's there... with me...

His lips brush against my own tenderly as his fingers trail down my naked body. His forehead presses against my own and I can almost feel what he's trying to tell me... I don't need words. Then, I'm up against the glass doors and he's entering me... slowly... increasing the speed as our bodies demand it. I let my fingers stroke behind his neck and he leans down to brush his lips softly against mine.

Angrily, I storm in and remove my toothbrush from next to his and rush back out into the hall.

I pack up my drawings quickly, needing to get out as soon as I possibly can.

Stop. Stop. Stop.

But, it doesn't.

The moans from the bedroom have me captivated. Walking ever so slowly, I peep through the blinds. Brian's fucking me from behind... the moans... they're getting louder and more intense the more steps I take.

Finally, I can't stand a minute more. I rush to the door and slide it open. As I'm about to close it shut, I see us one last time. When we were one.

I close the door on that dream.

03/03/03

Banner courtesy Andy-Pig

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