NO EXCUSES, NO APOLOGIES, NO REGRETS
Part 14 - Get Over It

JUSTIN

"I think I'm having another **blonde** moment. Did I just hear you say Brian had a lover? YOUR Brian... was with some guy? A BRITISH one at that... and you've met the sorry bastard... you actually had him over for din din?"

I cringe at Felix's summary of the situation.

"It sounds much worse when you say it," I say grumpily as I empty pasta into a strainer. I'm making chicken penne for dinner.

"I'm just a bit confused, gorgeous," Felix replies simply. "So what the fuck does he look like? Is he hot? Fuck, he must be... This is bloody priceless!" He bursts into a fit of giggles then.

He's lucky he's not standing in front of me right now. He'd have this entire pot of pasta dumped on his head!

"I don't see what's so funny," I mutter. "I mean... he's with ME now. That part of his life is all over."

"But, you just told me this guy really messed Brian up... or did I get that part wrong?" He doesn't wait for my response, starts up another conversation. "I think I blew an ear drum last weekend at this club. I fell asleep by the bloody box!"

I grit my teeth in an effort to not scream at him. "If you're not gonna be helpful...?"

"I'm not sure what you want me to say but, I'll behave. I promise."

"Good," I say. "And just for the record, Gabe meant something to Brian years ago but... Brian hates him now. Shouldn't that count for something?"

I hear him sigh. "Unless it's a sort of sexual hate?"

Just what I was afraid of.

"You're supposed to be trying to make me feel better, you big dope!"

He laughs. "You want my honest...expert opinion?"

I snort. "Oh, yes," I say, voice dripping with sarcasm. "I desperately want to hear what someone who has never met Gabe and who barely knows Brian has to say. Go on."

"Sarcasm does not become you," he says huffily.

I shake the drained pasta being careful to cradle the phone carefully under my neck. "Whatever...let's hear it."

He gives a deep sigh before saying, "I think you're being dumb."

"Huh?" I was not expecting that statement.

"I'm no big fan of the Big Guy...but, I know how he feels about you... I think I do anyway."

"Oh?"

"And he's not going to mess that up... unless he's a total asshole, which I don't doubt and all but..."

I roll my eyes. "You were doing so well... had to go and ruin it didn't you?"

I hear a door open on his end and talking in the background.

"Felix?"

"Hang on," he says. "Hugs just got in. He wants to say a hello to you."

I wait a couple seconds before I hear, "Darlink!"

"Hey yourself," I say through giggles.

"I met this fabulous bloke in the tube. Brought him home with me for a fuck. He's to DIE for."

"That's gross, Hugo," I warn, my face twisting up disapprovingly. "He could have something."

"I'm hoping it's a ten-inch cock!" He giggles. "How's my favourite faggot? Do you miss me terribly?"

"Terribly," I respond, mocking his accent as best as I can.

"I thought so. Felix is such a prat. He's put the phone on one way so I can't bloody call you anymore!"

I stifle a giggle. "He did?" Hugo had managed to work up a $800 bill.

"Yes. Please tell him to fix it." I hear him telling Felix something but can't make out what; it's muffled. "Why don't you come for a visit sometime?"

"I can't."

"Your birthday's coming up. How 'bout then?"

Fuck. I didn't even remember my birthday was a week away. I've been under so much stress lately, with school and Brian.

"I don't think so," I tell Hugo.

"He really misses you, Justin." His voice is quiet now.

I feel a little stab in my heart. "I miss him too," I admit stupidly. It's true, I do miss him... in a totally platonic way.

"He's talking up his arse!" Felix is back on the line. "Ignore him."

I laugh. "So, you don't miss me?"

He's silent for a couple seconds before he says, "No. Can't say that I do."

"Oh."

There's a beep on the other line. "I've gotta go."

"Yeah. Take care of yourself, ok?"

"I will."

On the other line, it's Brian.

"Hey," he says. I can hear the frustration in his voice.

"What's wrong?"

He sighs. "I'm having a fucked up day."

"So come home," I suggest, shoving a piece of carrot in my mouth to munch on. "I'm making chicken penne."

"No carbs tonight, Justin. Please."

Well, there goes my fucking dinner plan.

"Pick something up for yourself then."

"Fine."

There's silence on the line as I wait for him to tell me what's wrong. "Brian?"

"I'm going to be late."

"How come?"

"Lindsay just called. She wants me to stop by."

"Is something wrong with Gus?" We haven't seen him in more than a week.

"She says she needs to talk to me about something."

"Oh."

He sighs again. "I've got to go. Do you have plans tonight?"

Just dinner with you... which just crashed.

"I've got to work on a project."

"I'll see you later then."

"Later."

BRIAN

"I was only trying to help, Bri."

I hate it when people try to defend their lies. I fucking hate it.

The minute I got into the office, I marched into Gabriel's office, slammed the door behind me and said, "If you ever, EVER interfere in my personal life again, you're going to be fucking sorry."

Trying to help was he? What a load of crock!

"I don't want your fucking help!" I grit out. "And neither does Justin so stay the fuck away from us!"

He stands and raises his palms in surrender. "Let me explain."

"I don't want to hear it." Nothing he says will make me hate him less.

"Brian, you're being an unreasonable prick."

I'm seeing fucking red. I know I'm going to explode any minute but, I can't do that here, in his office. I don't want my personal life getting caught up with my work, so I decide to take the high road. I glare at him and walk out.

What I don't plan on is him fucking following me into my office!

"Why do you hate me so much?" he asks quietly.

"Don't flatter yourself," I reply nastily. "To feel something as deep as hate, you have to care about the person in the first place. I don't give a fuck about you!"

He laughs mockingly. "What happened to you? To turn you into this..."

"If you're done," I point to the closed door from behind my desk. "I have work to do."

He doesn't move, leans in closer to me instead. "Why didn't you tell him about me?"

"What?"

"The first day Justin met me, Brian," he recalls. "Why didn't you just tell him the truth? That you and I fucked a couple of times? It wasn't a big deal... why couldn't you tell him the truth?"

Wasn't a big deal? To him maybe. He meant everything to me. I loved him dammit. He made me feel love... for the first time in my life, he made me feel special. My own father never made me feel like that, far less for my mother. I was shit. Their little shit. I had more of a home with Debbie... she was more of a mother to me than my own. But, I've never felt special with her. I was always Michael's pitiful friend who she would take care of... when I came over with swollen eyes and busted lips. She felt sorry for me.

Gabriel... he was different though. Or I thought he was. But, he was just like the Jacks and the Joanies of my world. He shit on me when I needed him most.

***I am human, I deserve to be loved... just like everybody else does...***

My thoughts get to me and I have to look away. Quickly, I compose myself and recover my deadpan eyes.

"You don't question my motives," I tell him. "And you don't try and analyze my fucking life. It's MY fucking business. Now, will you get the hell out? This conversation is over."

He leaves and for the rest of the day, I feel like shit.

I told Justin everything last night... well, almost everything. He doesn't need to know how I stupidly fell... in love... or maybe not... but it was something.

I got fucked; like everyone gets at some point in their life. In my case, it was double the pain... knowing my own father didn't want me... and then Gabe.

Would anyone want me? Love me? Need me? The way I need to be...?

I've finally found my answer. His name is Justin Taylor - a persistent little fuck who refuses to give up on me. He makes me feel love again... makes me remember how to love another man.

It felt like a huge weight being lifted off my shoulders when I told him. Surprisingly, he took it well. He didn't give me shit for not telling him the truth. He understood. And then he kissed me and thanked me for trusting him.

I'm glad that's out of the fucking way. And I can deal with Gabe better. As long as the bastard stays away from me, we'll be fine.

"Is this some sort of a fucking joke?"

My day is going from bad to worse.

I glare at the two women angrily.

"Bri..." Linds tries to touch my hand but I pull it away to light up a cigarette.

"Not in the house, Brian," Melanie says. "Gus..."

I pull the cigarette out of my mouth, holding it firmly between my fingers. I watch Linds and wait for her to burst into a smile and confess that this is all just a big mis-understanding.

"We're sorry, Brian," Mel says softly.

"I bet you are," I snidely remark.

I should be thrilled. Really. But, fuck. This is madness! They call me, tell me it's a fucking emergency. I rush over thinking something's wrong with my son but instead, they sit me down and break the news to me: Lindsay won't be having the baby this time, Melanie will! Of course, it's unanimous - there's no way in hell my sperm is getting anywhere near her vagina. Mel mirrors my feelings and has already come up with the solution: Michael. Apparently he and Ben have been hanging around the munchers a lot lately, and he's good with Gus. The best part is, fucking 31-year-old Mikey, who's still emotionally and mentally 12, has already agreed to give her his sperm.

So where the fuck was I when the pig flew by?

I don't have time for this shit. I already have a son. I didn't want to fucking do this in the first place. They're letting me off the hook. But... fuck. Everything was all planned out.

And why the fuck didn't Michael tell me? He had more than enough time to.

I get up and slip into my jacket. "It's been fun," I tell them. I'm getting the fuck out before my head explodes.

"Brian!" Linds follows me outside.

"Leave it alone."

"You didn't want another child anyway."

Damn right I didn't. But, you talked me into it. You begged me, twisted my fucking arm... made Justin talk to me.

As usual, Lindsay, you want everything your fucking way!

They're all going to drive me fucking insane!

"Mel just thought..."

I open the jeep and get in. She holds onto the edge. "Please don't be mad, Bri."

I start the jeep. "Who's mad?"

She sighs. "I guess Michael never mentioned anything?"

I snort. No, the fucking bastard did not.

"We swore him to secrecy," she blurts.

I'm sure you did.

I slip on my Gucci's and watch her through steely eyes. "I'm happy for you. Both. Really. Now do you mind? I want to get home. I'm fucking tired."

09/02/03

Banner courtesy Andrea

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