NO EXCUSES, NO APOLOGIES, NO REGRETS
Part 4 - Expectations

BRIAN

For the third time this week, I get home late. This is starting to become a fucking bad habit. At least Justin isn't complaining. Not yet anyway. Then again, he has his own problems with school and work. I wish he'd quit already. I offered to ‘lend' him some money but he refused – damn independent twat.

I sigh and put my briefcase, the newly collected mail and my jacket on the counter. I know how to work hard; I've been doing it all of my life. But I hate having to meet all these fucking expectations. I have a reputation of producing the best and each client expects it…deserves it too. But if I have to be brilliant one more time this week, I'm going to fucking quit and join a fucking circus.

Grabbing a beer from the fridge, I collapse on the chair next to my computer desk and groan loudly. I gulp down half of the beer and attempt to relieve some of the day's stress by rubbing the back of my neck.

The door slides open and Justin walks in, looking just as exhausted as I feel.

His eyes light up when he sees me, and I can't help but smile. He's so fucking cute at times. He's been amazing this past month. I know I'm pushing his limits with the stunts I've pulled, but he doesn't even bring it up. And I'm grateful. I know how hard it is to deal with me sometimes. I've got my father's blood running through my veins and it scares me. It fucking terrifies me.

He's trying to make me deal with my feelings about Mikey. It's not like I've stopped talking to Mikey or anything. I just can't understand how he could have done that to me. Justin knows I'm still pissed, but he refuses to let me sit and wallow too much.

And fucking Emmett, the little brat made me apologize to that queen. Of course, that proved easy to do; especially after Emmett threw a hissy fit and started crying in front of me. What the fuck was I supposed to do? I had nowhere to go, no escape but to try and comfort him. And we finally made peace.

Justin drops his backpack on the floor, sheds his jacket and walks over to me. He leans against the table but I pull him down to sit on my lap. This kid should weigh a ton, as much as he eats. But he's not heavy especially with his feet dangling over the armrest. He slips an arm around my neck and kisses me.

“Did you just get in?” he asks lying back on my chest.

“About five minutes ago,” I tell him. “I'm starving. Why don't you make us something?”

He laughs. “I'm too tired to even try.”

“What about dinner? Order in? Chinese sounds good.”

He stifles a yawn before cuddling up against my chest. I notice his eyes closing as he says, “We can't. Mel and Linds invited us over, remember?”

Fuck. I'm not in the mood for a fucking muncher family dinner. I want to fuck, shower and crawl into bed. In that order!

Just as I'm about to tell Justin to call and cancel, I hear his light snore. The little twat's fallen asleep in my arms. I'm too tired to move him and don't want to wake him so I lean back and close my eyes too.

Wouldn't you know it, in less than five minutes, I'm out like a light.

JUSTIN

I love it when Lindsay makes me spaghetti and meatballs. It is my all time favourite thing to pig out on. Brian, on the other hand, can't stand too much pasta – too fattening. So while I'm on my second plate, he's eating a salad and salmon.

The munchers went through a lot of trouble tonight, making two dishes and all. In the kitchen, I hear Mel whispering but can't make out much – just “When are you going to ask him?”

I shrug. Why is it they feel they must ply Brian with food to get something from him? It pisses me off. I get so mad when they try to manipulate him. Brian's not stupid. He's kind. He may not look it, but he really cares about his friends, and things DO affect him. He wants the best for Gus and would do anything to ensure that. All of his friends have it so easy, knowing he'll never let any of them down if they're in trouble. Deep down though, I know he can't expect the same from them. Maybe that's why I don't hate Michael fully. He's an asshole, but he'll always look out for Brian.

Brian catches my eye, notices I've stopped stuffing food into my mouth. “You ok?”

I nod and smile before attacking the food again.

I'm feeling a little guilty. I never should have made Brian come. He wanted to stay home and crash, but I told him we had to. Had I known it was all just a plot to get something from him, I honestly would have told them to fuck off!

Brian says no to the double chocolate fudgecake – a favourite of his – but I can never refuse good food or dessert, in this case. It's rich and chocolatey, store bought.

I notice Linds and Mel exchange looks.

Brian sips his coffee and says, “Can we get this over with soon? I'm pretty beat and the child has school tommorow.”

I shoot him a dirty look and he grins, tongue in cheek.

Lindsay immediately nods and takes a deep breath. “Brian,” she starts. “Do you remember when we were in school? How we talked about our future?”

Brian cocks an eyebrow but says nothing.

Linds looks over at Mel who squeezes her hand. I put another piece of cake in my mouth, licking the frosting from my fingers.

“We used to talk about what we wanted our future to be like,” Linds says. “You wanted to be have lots of money, stay young and beautiful and have any man you wanted."

Brian grins and starts fiddling with a toothpick in his mouth. “I've reached my goals."

Stuffing more cake in my mouth, I don't comment.

“I wanted to fall in love and get married,” she says, smiling at Mel. “And have babies.”

I nearly choke on that one. I look across at Brian and notice he's stopped playing with the toothpick in his mouth.

“Lindsay,” he begins to protest.

“I want to have another baby, Brian,” she says quietly. “And I want you to be the father.”

I think I'm going to choke. I start to cough like crazy, the cake stuck in my throat.

Mel hands me some water. “Are you ok, sweetie?”

I take a long drink and when I feel I can open my mouth again, I squeak, “I'm fine. For a minute there, I thought I heard you ask Brian to have another kid with you.”

I start to laugh but no one joins me. They're all watching me with weird expressions on their faces.

“What?” I mutter.

No comment…

They can't be for real! I tell them as much.

“Justin,” Mel says. “This has nothing to do with you.”

I hate it when she feeds me bullshit lines like that one. Brian immediately puts her in her place.

“He's a part of my life,” he reminds her.

“But, he has no impact on your decision,” she presses.

Who the fuck does she think she is?

“He just might,” Brian says before standing up. He lets out a long sigh. “You two are fucking crazy if you think I'm going to do this.”

I stand up too since everyone else seems to be doing the same.

“Brian, can't you just think about it?” Lindsay begs.

“There is nothing to think about!” Brian shouts. “You talked me into having Gus and I resented you for it later!”

“You don't mean that! You love your son.”

“Now, but not then.” He reminds her. Turning to Mel, he says, “I'm not even going to think about why you want my fucking sperm all of a sudden considering how much you didn't want me involved with Gus!”

She stammers out something about support and good to Gus before shutting up completely.

Brian grabs our coats, throws mine at me. “We're leaving,” he says. “Thanks for dinner, it was fun.”

Linds tugs on his arm. “All I'm asking is that you think about it, Bri.”

“I don't want another fucking kid to remind me I'm turning into a fucking old man!” he shouts.

“Bri-“

“I'm not going to change my mind about this. Get some other sorry bastard to fill up a cup, because this time, it isn't going to be me!”

BRIAN

It's after 1 in the morning and I should be in bed, but I can't sleep. I've been tossing and turning for hours. Justin slept through it all, but he generally sleeps through anything.

Sitting on my sofa sipping my Jim, I stare at the picture of Gus and me, the one Justin got enlarged and framed for me. He was so tiny and fragile. The picture reminds me of the one Jack gave me right before he died. Everytime I see it, I remember Jack, and my fear of becoming him overtakes me. I try to fight it but I am capable of becoming him – violent, uncaring and a self-absorbed prick.

I already exercise all three on Justin. I've never hit him but I take out my pain and anger on him through other means – sex being the major player.

He knows firsthand how uncaring I can be and from day one, I've been a self-absorbed prick. Just like fucking Jack.

And they expect me to father another child? Another Jack Kinney? Hell, they're gonna have to fucking wait for hell to freeze over.

Gus already has enough issues. He's going to have to deal with lesbian parents, a fucked up father and strange uncles. It's not right to bring another life into the world to face the same problems.

I'm surprised to see Justin plopping himself next to me on the sofa – I didn't hear him wake up. He's got a sheet wrapped around his naked body.

Putting an arm around my shoulder, he asks, “Are you ok?”

I nod and put the picture down on the table.

“Let's go back to bed,” he says softly, prodding me with his arm.

I push him away. “You go on ahead. I'll be there in a minute.”

He sighs. “Brian, don't beat yourself up about it.”

I look at him quickly, angrily. “Don't fucking try to analyze what's going through my head.”

“I'm not! I'm just trying to help.”

“Well stop it. Go to bed.”

He ignores me and makes himself more comfortable flopping his leg over mine. I can hear a fucking lecture coming on. He's going to start telling me some bullshit that will make loads of fucking sense.

But he doesn't say anything, asks me a question instead.

“Do you want my advice?”

I want to say no but I realize I can't. I want to know what he thinks. He's smart and logical. And he cares about me – puts me before himself even.

“I thought about it during the silent drive home,” he remarks. “And I really think you should do it.”

Logical, my ass! What the fuck? He doesn't know jackshit!

“Hear me out,” he says quickly when he sees my expression. “I can't pretend to have known you before Gus was born, Brian, but I can tell you what I've noticed since his birth. You're a good father Brian and you love him more than anything else in your life. You make sure he's well taken care of, has a good education, and spends time with you.” He pauses and touches my arm. “Linds is going to have this kid with or without you. Don't you think Gus and his little brother or sister…should have the same father?”

It's a lot to think about but what he's saying isn't new to me. I've been thinking about it all tonight.

Knowing he feels the same way as I do makes it easier to swallow.

I finish off the rest of my Jim and lean back, pulling him into my arms.

“I hate it when you make sense,” I tell him with a grin.

“I love it when you actually listen,” he says, his smile wide.

Kissing him quickly, I get up and pull him with me back to bed.

It's cold tonight so I snuggle close to him, use him for extra warmth.

When I know he's drifting off to sleep, I whisper, “Justin?”

“Hmm?”

“I do love Gus,” I say softly. “But he's not the only one.”

I'm glad he doesn't make a big scene about my confession. He simply squeezes me closer and kisses my chin.

I may not have said the words, but somehow, I feel a great weight being lifted off my chest.

The next morning, I'm up early. Strangely, I feel rested, although I only slept for a few hours. I'm sipping coffee as Justin gets ready when I spot the unopened mail on the kitchen counter.

There's nothing of importance for me – just a men's magazine flyer and a notice that my gym fees are due. Justin still hasn't opened his mail though.

“You have some mail here.” I call out.

He's hastily pulling on his clothes as he's already late for a class. “Junk mail, no doubt!” he shouts back.

“There's a bank statement here,” I tell him.

He snorts. “Telling me I'm overdrawn, I'm sure!”

I grin and shake my head. “It's not that bad.”

He peeks out from the bedroom to tell me, “If you don't believe me, feel free to open it yourself.”

I put down my coffee and give in. Sliding my finger under the envelope flap, I tear it and pull out its contents. My eyes scan the sheet and I make a mental note of all the shit he spends his money on before I come across his balance. It says $5000.

I'm a little confused. He couldn't have made all this money in tips at the diner. Could it be some job he had in Europe? He didn't mention anything. I chew on the inside of my mouth as I try to come up with a reasonable explanation.

“So how broke am I?” he asks coming toward me.

His hair is still wet from his shower and the water has dripped onto his t-shirt. He has his backpack and jacket in his hand.

I force a smile and hand him the statement. “Looks like you'll be buying me dinner tonight.”

He gives me a funny look before focusing on the statement.

“Fuck!” he gasps. “Where did all this come from?”

I shrug. “Given any blowjobs recently?” I suggest. “A satisfied customer?”

He snorts again. “Brian…Did you do this? I told you already, I don't want you giving me any more money.”

I raise my hands in surrender. “Can't take credit for this one.”

His eyebrows furrow together as he tries to think. “It must be some sort of mistake. I'll go to the bank later and check it out,” he says. “I'm gonna be so late for class!”

Grabbing my jacket and briefcase, I tell him, “I'll drop you off.”

28/11/02

Banner courtesy Andrea

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