NO EXCUSES, NO APOLOGIES, NO REGRETS
Part 3 - All About Control

BRIAN

We've been living together for a month now. I can't say it's been bad. We're both trying very hard to make our somewhat ‘new' arrangement work. Even though work is hell with Vance spitting client after client at me and Justin having tons of projects to work on, we're trying to make time for each other. I'm trying to be there for him. To show him I care.

I'm even dealing better with the ‘Felix-calls.' I've stopped giving Justin the cold shoulder every time he gets off the phone with his ex. Twice a week I get to hear the bastard's British accent. It pisses me off but Justin assures me it's platonic. How an ex lover becomes a friend is beyond me but I suppose it's all right – as long as he stays in England.

When I get home, it's late. I had a meeting with Vance and he wants to bring in a new exec. He's set up interviews and I'm supposed to meet with them all in the next month. Being partner is more trouble than it's worth – although the increased salary does compensate…somewhat.

Justin's on the computer, engrossed in a drawing. I place my briefcase and jacket on the kitchen counter and sneak up behind him. Slipping my arms around his neck, I plaster a kiss on the back of his ear. His hand snakes around to the back of my neck and he turns to kiss me.

We don't get carried away with the kiss – keep it brief but satisfying.

“How was your day?” he asks.

I pull away and walk to the fridge for a beer. “Fucked,” I mutter as I pop the cap. Twisting the metal between my fingers, I tell him, “Vance wants a new exec. Guess who's doing the weeding?”

He props his foot up on the table and grins. “Sounds like fun.”

I snort and take a gulp of beer. I loosen my tie and start unbottoning my shirt. “Babylon tonight?”

He wrinkles his nose. “Got to finish this project, but you go ahead.”

I nod and head to the bathroom to take a quick shower. I'm disappointed he's not coming but I know his school work comes first. I need to get out of the loft though, have some fun after this hectic day.

It's weird how easily I am becoming attached to him again. I don't want to… I need to be in control of the relationship this time around, not that I wasn't before but… if I were more in control, would he have had reason to leave? I wonder about that.

I know he's young and he should be experiencing the joys of fucking every piece of ass that moves. But I believe he has. In the past few months, he fell in ‘love' TWICE…and yet somehow, he ended up right back where he started – with me. That's got to count for something.

When I come out of the bathroom, he's right where I left him. I change quickly and give Mikey a call. He's to be ready in fifteen minutes.

I grab my keys. “I'll be back in a couple hours.”

He turns towards me and I can see the back of his throat, his yawn is so wide. “Have fun.”

JUSTIN

After working on this stupid project for over an hour, I decide to call it a night and join Brian at Babylon.

Ted and Emmett are leaning on the staircase, eyeing the crowd wistfully. I know they're supposedly ‘together' but I'm too grossed out by that idea and don't really want to think about it.

“Hey,” I smile.

Emmett pulls me into a hug. “Hi, baby,” he whispers, kissing my temple.

“Have you guys seen Brian?” I ask.

They exchange looks and I get my answer. Brian's probably in the backroom somewhere. That's fine. It doesn't bother me – as long as I don't have to watch.

“It's ok,” I assure them. “I need a drink!”

“I'll get it,” Ted offers quickly.

“A beer?” I say and he goes off to get me one.

“What's going on?” I ask Emmett.

He ignores my question and poses another, “Don't you care that he's tricking?”

I shrug. “I don't expect him to be monogamous, Em. That isn't Brian.”

It's the brutal truth. Just like I need to draw, he needs to fuck.

Emmett pats my shoulder, “You're so mature, baby.”

I grin. “Now answer my question!”

He twists his mouth to the side. “We're not working out as well as we anticipated.”

Yeah? Go figure.

“How come?” I ask as I prop myself up against the staircase.

He laughs. “We're just too different, I guess.”

Even though it's none of my business, I can't help but ask, “Do you guys like…fuck?”

Emmett gives me a ‘Are you for real?' look and I cringe. Totally gross!

“So end it,” I advise him. I'm talking as if Pysch 101 is my Major. I'm the last person to be giving relationship advice to anyone. He doesn't comment on that obvious fact though.

“If only it were that easy,” he says.

“Huh?”

“We're best friends,” Emmett states. “We don't want to hurt each other.”

I know the feeling. Or KNEW the feeling…

“Well, one of you has got to do it,” I say with a raised brow. “Before you end up hating each other.”

Emmett smiles and pulls me into his arms for a hug. He rests his forehead on mine and says, “When did you get so wise? It can't be from living with King Brian.”

I laugh. “You'd be amazed at what Brian can teach you though!”

As if on cue, the ‘King' himself arrives and pushes Emmet's hands from around my neck.

“Keep your grubby hands to yourself,” Brian tells Emmett before pulling me into his arms.

He brushes his lips against mine. I don't taste anything else but alcohol and cigarettes so I know he's back to our ‘no kissing on the mouth' policy. “What're you doing here? Have we finished our homework?”

I shrug. “I got bored.”

Ted returns with my beer at last but Brian intercepts it. “No alcohol,” he says sternly. “It's a school night, remember?”

It's amazing how mature Brian can be at times. Damn irritating too! I give him an annoyed look but he just grins.

“Wipe that look off your face,” he whispers in my ear. “It's for your own good. Now, let's dance.”

He pulls me onto the dance floor right where Mikey and Ben are dancing. Mikey glances at me, a frown appearing almost immediately.

“I thought you had a project to finish?” he says in his know-it-all voice.

The urge to stick my tongue out at him is intense but I fight it.

“Did you finish the new drawings?” he pushes again.

He's been on my ass to complete a new series of artwork for the comic book but I've been busy with school. I know he doesn't need the work now, he's just trying to irritate me!

“Not yet,” I tell him before slipping my arms around Brian's waist. End of fucking conversation.

Brian gets the hint and dances me in the opposite direction. The music is good – I love the song playing – and we allow our bodies to grind against each other intimately.

Brian can't really dance. He'll be the first to admit this too. What he can do however, is entice any man with his sleek body and hypnotizing eyes. He knows just where to apply pressure with his hips. When you're dancing with Brian, you're really just imagining what it'll be like to have his cock in your ass…well, that's how I feel anyway.

He sorta pulls away, trying to keep it light, I suppose. Or maybe something's bothering him? He answers my question with his, “Mikey giving you a hard time?”

I shrug. “Nothing I can't handle.”

I can handle it too, I've been doing so for months. But then again, I thought we were friends then. If only I'd known he was never really my friend.

Brian runs his fingers gently through my hair. “Want me to talk to him?”

I stop dancing to gaze into his eyes. “I'll deal with it, Brian.”

He nods and slips a hand over my butt, squeezing it. “Want to get out of here?”

I do. I came here to relax and end up feeling more tense. I make a note in my mind to have Brian give me a nice massage when we get home – either before or after he fucks me into oblivion.

DEBBIE

Something weird is going on. Michael's been acting funny all week. He's more quiet than usual and hasn't come to see me much. Vic and I have tried to come up with the reason behind his behaviour, but we're stumped. He told me he has some news – not if was good or bad – and he'll tell me all about it on Sunday at lunch.

Well, today's Sunday and I've invited the whole group, at his request. They're all going to bring a dish, which takes a lot of the pressure off me.

Vic bakes a coconut cream pie, just like the one he made for Gus on his birthday. I make a corn and mushroom mix and fry some chicken. Linds, Mel and Gus arrive right on time, mashed potatoes and gravy in hand.

I can't believe how big Gus is getting. He's a cute kid, looks a lot like Lindsay. He has a few of Brian's features but all I'm hoping is that his personality is far from his father's!

Emmett and Ted bring wine. Or rather, Ted brought wine. Those two have been acting even weirder than Michael. They don't resemble the boys I used to know anymore. Emmett's not as giddy and bouncy as usual, opting to remain silent and smile mostly. And Ted's even more silent than Em and Michael.

Brian and Justin arrive on time for once, hand in hand. They only bring themselves of course. Brian's used to coming over to eat – we all know he can't even boil water. And Sunshine…well, I'm not sure he has time to do anything. His shifts at the diner are at minimum for now and school takes up the rest of his time. That and Brian.

I kiss Sunshine and send him in the kitchen to help Linds while Brian takes his son from Mel.

“Hey, Sonnyboy,” Brian lifts Gus into the air. “Shit, you're getting heavy. What the fuck are you feeding my son?” he asks Mel.

She glares, ignoring him.

For a cynical bastard, Brian has the makings of a good father. He loves his kid a helluva lot. He may not have wanted Gus in the beginning, but he's settling well with fatherhood now.

Justin comes out of the kitchen munching on potato chips.

“You'll ruin you appetite,” I warn him.

“If only such a thing were possible, Deb,” Brian quips.

Justin sticks his tongue out, a single potato chip visible. We all get to watch Brian stick his tongue into Justin's mouth to get the chip.

I smack him behind the head as Mel takes Gus.

“Awww!” Brian mutters. “What the fuck was that for?”

“I know you two have gotten back together, but give it a rest, huh? A week of this was tolerable. After a month, it's old.” I say.

Mel covers Gus' eyes. “Let's hope he didn't see anything.”

Brian ignores us both and takes Gus back from Mel. It's nice to see those two together again. They're good boys, deserve to be happy. I liked that Felix boy…but I guess Justin knows what he wants. Unfortunately for him, that's Brian. Maybe it's not unfortunate. I know Justin is good for Brian. He helps balance him somehow. And Brian is slowly realizing that Sunshine is good for him too. Two peas in a pod, those two… I shake my head as I watch them fawn over Gus.

Michael finally arrives, Ben walking in behind him with his own concotion of a salad – God alone knows what he puts in it. It's horrible but I pretend to like it each time. Now, he makes it everytime he comes over. I don't have the heart to tell him I fucking hate it.

“It's about time!” I shout at them.

Michael kisses me. “Ben had to make his salad especially for you.”

I wonder if he's noticed me cringe. I kiss Ben and take the salad. “It looks great!”

“I know how much you like it,” Ben says sweetly.

Vic's laughing behind Ben and I give him a look to get him to stop.

“Well, let's eat!” Linds says. “I'm starving.”

EMMETT

I swear to God, I'm going to kill somebody soon.

Linds is talking non-stop about some lesbian group or another, and she won't shut up, not caring that absolutely no one, but Mel and maybe Gus, is listening!

Brian and Justin are sitting opposite me being nauseatingly sweet, reminding me with every kiss and touch, that Ted and I will never work. We just don't have what they have. Or what Michael and Ben have.

I love Ted but I'm quickly realizing why it was I was so hesitant about the relationship in the first place. He's a sweet, good person…and I don't want to hurt him. He's been hurt so many times in the past.

I can't even eat the pie in front of me, I'm so confused. I twirl my fork around and watch Brian hold Gus as Justin alternates feeding them pie.

“I have a little annoucement,” Michael says as he stands up.

I put my fork down and stare at him, wondering what the fuck he's babbling on about now. I hope it's not going to end up with him complaining. I am so not in the mood to be supportive or listen to any bullshit.

“Ben and I got married,” he says.

Ted spits the mouthful of wine he just sipped onto Vic, who's sitting at his side. Justin whips his head around so fast, I wonder if he'll have whiplash in the morning. And the lesbians rejoice…as expected.

I watch Deb, sitting there quietly, her eyes shining. She stands up slowly, her hands open. Then she starts to cry as she hugs Michael. Ben stands up to join his…husband. Oh my God. I didn't just hear Michael say he was MARRIED did I?

I look around the table and I feel I am going to burst. Is no one going to say anything? I'm not an angry or violent person…but I feel so mad right now, I could scream.

I can't sit here and take this anymore. Everyone else is so disgustingly happy. I snatch the napkin from my lap and throw it on the table as I angrily stand up.

“Em?” Michael calls. “Where are you going?”

I grind my teeth and try to smile, but I can't.

“I can't stay here any longer!” I shout. “You people are all driving me insane!”

I hear Brian's chuckle and snap.

“What the fuck are YOU laughing at?” I ask him. “You of all people should NOT be laughing at anyone! You're the laughing stock of fucking Liberty Avenue! Your boytoy ran out on you in front of EVERYONE!”

“Fuck you!” Brian hands Gus to Linds and stands up. Justin tries to pull him back down but he slaps his hand away.

“That's right, hit him!” I shout. “How dare HE try to stop you from doing anything you want to do? You're lucky you have him Brian. I'd advise you to keep him, with your age catching up with you and all! If I were Justin, I'd have left and never looked back!”

“Emmett,” Ted starts.

I put a hand up. “Don't say another word, Teddy,” I say. “I'm just sick of everything right now! You included! Can't you see this…US…it's not working out! When are you going to do something about it? I can't sit here and pretend everything's perfect anymore!”

Ted sighs as he stands. “What are you saying?”

I can't help but let the tears spill. “It's over Ted. We're over. We don't have what everyone else in this room has.”

Ted lowers his head but I know he's relieved. He'll understand…if he doesn't already.

“I'm sorry,” I whisper. “To everyone.”

Linds wraps an arm around my waist and lets me cry in her arms.

BRIAN

What the fuck? Fucking Emmett! How dare he throw that shit in my face? He's right though – they're all laughing at me. I'm nothing more than a pussywhipped faggot.

And Mikey and his fucking ‘news!' How could he get married? That's so fucking hysterical, I want to laugh until it can make sense to me. Married? Jesus fucking Christ! I feel as though I'm living in the fucking twilight zone!

How dare he do this to me? He should have told me…he had lots of opportunities to! I want him to be happy, I do…but…married? Why? With him married, that means… fuck!

I race out of Deb's so fast, leaving Justin there. I need to be away from him and everyone else for a while – to clear my head.

But the little asshole follows me to the jeep. I drive. Back to the loft.

“Brian-“

“Leave it!” I shout at him. I pour myself some more bourbon – my third glass and finish it in one go, then pour myself another.

He touches my shoulder and I shrug him off forcefully. “I said to leave it alone,” I say coldly. “Now get lost.”

He won't fucking give up though. He takes off his coat and sits on the stool next to me.

“I'm sorry,” he whispers.

I finish off the amber liquid in my glass and slide it off to the side. I don't need it, the bottle's only half full – I can finish it quickly, don't need a glass.

“I don't want to fucking hear anything, Justin!” I shout as I stand up and walk away.

He's a persistent fuck. “He didn't mean it, Brian,” he tells me. “He was just frustrated with his own problems.”

I put the bottle to my mouth and chug it – like a child would drink a Pepsi after pigging out on popcorn.

“Brian, stop it!” Justin shouts, pulling the bottle out of my mouth. Some liquid spills onto my chin and chest. “Don't do this to yourself.” He's pleading with me to behave but I can't. I'm too fucking angry for words. Angry at Emmett…at Mikey…him. Mostly him…

Looking at him now, standing before me, all I see is a kid who has got me wrapped around his fucking little finger. I'd do anything to make him happy. But he fucked me over, not once but many many times. And the stupid idiot that I am, I let him get away with it!

He's lied to me on countless occasions…used me…manipulated me. I've forgiven him, no explanations - and now he's back, once again.

I hate not feeling in control…like I feel now! I can't even make Justin go away! All I want is to be by myself – drink myself into oblivion as I try to dull the pain of Emmett's words. Hopefully, sleep it off.

I glare at Justin as I pull off my shirt, letting it slide to the floor. “Give it back,” I say calmly.

He shakes his head and puts the bottle behind his back. “I won't let you do this.”

I grab his neck in a firm grip with my hand, my nose pressed against his.

“Brian,” he exhales deeply, his blue eyes gazing into mine anxiously.

I apply pressure to get my point across. “Don't fuck with me. I WILL hurt you.”

He hands me the bottle and I quickly let him go. Like a crazy person, I crave the burning sensation the alcohol causes as it rushes down my throat.

Justin is watching me, I know he's scared. He's used to this though, or should be – most times he minds his own fucking business. And he avoids getting hurt.

I walk away only to hear him ask, “What is it that's really bothering you, Brian?”

I turn, eyes narrowed but say nothing.

“It can't be Em's stupid remark,” he continues knowingly. “That happened so long ago, no one even remembers!”

I remember though. I fucking remember.

And then he goes and pushes the wrong fucking button.

“Is it because Michael got married?” he says. “Knowing that you won't be able to control him anymore, like you usually do?”

JUSTIN

Maybe I should have kept my big mouth shut. I should have put a sock in it and walked out the door when he asked me too. But he's pissing me off. He's acting like a stupid, immature fuck! He won't even talk to me or let me help. He's pushing me away like he normally does. And I won't have it!

Now I've done it. I've ticked him off.

“What did you say?” he asks softly, walking towards me slowly.

He takes a long drink of bourbon before placing the bottle on his desk and continues his stride. I find myself walking backwards – I'm not scared…well not really, I know Brian would never hurt me.

I'm pressed against the kitchen counter and Brian's pressed against me. He grips my arm tight. “REPEAT WHAT YOU JUST SAID!”

His hazel eyes are locked onto mine. Fear meeting anger.

“I'm sorry,” I start but then I get my gusto back. I'm not some stupid little coward. I have nothing to fear. “But I'm right, aren't I? You've lost your number one fan now. Who's left to follow you around and suck your ass when you ask him to?”

“I thought that was YOUR job,” he remarks softly as his grip tightens on my arm. His other hand is unzipping the front of my jeans. I can't control my response – my dick is rock hard.

His breath, loaded with the alcohol, is fanning my face.

“My job is just to have an available hole for you,” I try to joke.

He's not amused though. He pulls away from me and orders, “Take off your clothes.”

Huh?

“Brian-“

“Take off your fucking clothes, Justin!” he shouts. “Don't make me ask you again. I'll rip them off you if you don't do it yourself!”

I watch him for a few seconds, knowing fully well that he means what he says. I've lost a number of shirts in our rush to fuck. I take off my jeans and t-shirt, standing in front of him naked. He looks me over, the fire beginning to burn in his eyes. He takes off his own clothes, watching me as he removes them.

I know he's hot and horny – his dick can't get any harder. Whenever he's angry or has a point to prove, the fucks are quicker but equally satisfying as the ones which entail lots of foreplay. I don't mind these fucks as much as I mind the aftermath. I hurt for hours…and then he hurts, emotionally.

To avoid what I know is coming, I try to get through to him once more. “Brian,”

He raises a hand and motions me over. His hand grips the back of my neck and we stare into each other's eyes before he grinds his mouth against mine. His tongue tastes of bourbon but I like it. I slip an arm around his neck and try to deepen the kiss. We eat at the other's mouth for what seems like hours, sucking and tugging, tongues in battle.

I can feel his stiff dick pressing against my bare chest, the pre-cum dripping over and trickling down my stomach.

“Oh fuck,” I whimper when he pulls away.

With a sweep of his hand, he clears the desk. I'm grateful I left the laptop in my backpack. With the mood Brian's in, the computer would be a goner right now. He pushes me against the desk and starts sucking and licking at my neck. I toss my head back to give him better access and wrap a leg around his butt to press my dick against his own. I wish he'd enter me right here, I need to feel him inside me.

“Do you like that?” he whispers silkily.

“Yes,” I gasp out. “Fuck, yes.”

He moves away from me and says, “Turn over,” then begins digging through the drawer. Brian has condoms everywhere for every occassion. He pulls one out and rolls it onto his dick.

I bend over on the desk so my stomach is flat against the cool metal. The coolness against my naked skin feels weird. It's not unlike being pressed against the fuck-pole in the centre of the loft. My nipples are hard and my cock is harder. Brian places a hand at the back of my head and presses my chin against the metal in an almost painful hold. I can't even open my mouth to complain…but that's just the way he wants it.

Without lube or even warning, he thrusts into me quickly, making me scream inwardly. I try to grab ahold of anything with my hands but the table is too smooth and clean. I shut my eyes tight as he rams into me again. The pain is mindblowing but is quickly overtaken with the pleasure of having my dick rub against the table with each thrust. I'm screaming inside from all the emotions running through my mind, but all I want is release.

I feel a tear trickling down my cheek as the pain and pleasure gets more and more intense. He can't hear my whimpers or my moans as he refuses to let up his hold on my chin.
All I want is for Brian to fuck me. Harder…faster…for him to never stop!
Then I feel as though my entire world's disappearing before my eyes. I let go seconds before I feel his last thrust.

The minute he pulls out, I collapse on the floor. He peels off the condom and throws it in the bin, falling on the floor next to me.

I pull him into my arms and hold him close. His entire body is shaking.

“It's all right,” I whisper.

He grips me in a death hold.

“I still love you, Brian,” I assure him. “I'll never stop loving you.”

Like two lost souls, we stay locked in each other's arms and fall asleep…knowing that everything will be forgiven and forgotten in the morning.

27/11/02

Banner courtesy Andrea

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