NO EXCUSES, NO APOLOGIES, NO REGRETS
Part 1 - Come Clean

BRIAN

This fucking kid is going to wear me out one of these days. I'm still trying to catch my breath when he's leaning over me, a huge self-satisfied grin plastered across his face. He's attacking my left nipple. Fuck, he knows this drives me insane. Now, he's nibbling and flicking and nibbling again. Oh, shit. And then bites down, hard.

Fuck. I inwardly groan.

Hell if I'll let him know I can't keep up. I grab him by his neck and pull him to me for a long, lazy kiss, show him who's still in charge. I hope this keeps him content for a while but when I pull back, he's grinning.

"You don't want to play?" he asks mockingly.

I squeeze his butt firmly. "Games are for little girls."

He snorts and tries to straddle me but I push him off.

He falls back onto his side and covers his head with a pillow.

I watch him out of the corner of my eye, his entire body's shaking. Fucking little brat. He's laughing his ass off at my expense. He knows I'm tired but he also knows better than to rub it in. He won't get fucked for days until I feel he's earned it…after countless blowjobs – all given by him to me.

I smack his naked butt, hard, and watch the pale skin pinken.

"Brian!" he shouts, his head coming out from under the pillow to shoot daggers at me. "That fucking hurt!"

"I'm going to take a shower," I tell him, grinning, as I stand up. "Why don't you go make me something to eat. Something HEALTHY?" I stress.

Leave it up to him, and we'd have peanut butter and jelly or fucking ice cream for dinner.

I can afford to eat some dessert though because I lost five pounds in the last two weeks. Endless work and being too tired to eat can do that to a person. With Justin back, I'm sure I'll gain it in no time at all. He and his constant need for food. Fucking twat can eat anything he wants and not gain an ounce!

He looks up at me as he caresses his butt, trying to wipe the stinging pain away.

"What do you want?" he asks as he pulls on his pants.

I shrug. I don't care. I'll eat anything right about now.

"Well, what the fuck are you waiting for? Go take your shower."

Little prick! I grab my robe from on the bed as I make my way towards the bathroom. I need a nice, long shower to rejuvenate me.

JUSTIN

As soon as Brian enters the bathroom, I grab his phone and dial Felix's London flat number.

Fuck! I need to let him know what's up before he leaves for the damn airport.

I have no fucking clue what I'm going to say though. After everything he's done for me. After all the shit I've put him through. How do I tell him that I'm staying in Pittsburgh...staying with Brian? I am such a little shit!

"Hello," he answers on the third ring, laughing. There's a lot of noise in the background.

"Felix?" I say nervously. I have to whisper because I don't want Brian to hear me. I doubt he'd be upset…after all, he wouldn't expect me to leave Felix stranded without an explanation? Would he?

Fuck! Brian's gonna shit when he gets this phone bill. Hopefully, by then he won't care. No, by then he definitely won't care.

"Justin? Is that you? What's going…Jesus fucking Christ Hugo! Don't eat that yet! That's his cake!"

It sounds like they're having a party.

"Is everything ok? What's going on?" I ask him. My gaze darts across to the bathroom but I can still hear the water running.

"Hang on a sec, Luv," he mutters. I hear a door slam before he says, "Silence!" he laughs. "Where are you? Are you still up in the air? Let me look out my window and wave hullo."

I feel a pang in my heart. What am I supposed to tell him? How am I supposed to leave this guy? How do I tell him I'm not coming to England? Shit, I'm such a twat. I wish I didn't have to do this. I wish I didn't have to hurt him.

"Felix," I start. "I'm still in Pittsburgh."

"What? Was the flight delayed? Did something happen?"

Something happened all right. Brian happened!

"I…" my throat is so dry, I can't get any words out. "I don't know…"

"Justin," he whispers. "Don't say another word. I understand."

I squeeze my eyes tight. "I'm sorry." I whisper.

"It's ok. I sort of figured you weren't all for it. I thought it best to let you make the decision on your own, that's why Hugs and I flew back a day before you did."

"Oh." I'm at a total loss for words.

"Well, I guess there's nothing left to say,"

"Wait!" I shout. "Felix, I DO love you. I swear I do. Everything I ever told you, I meant."

I hear his little laugh. "I love you too."

"Please don't hate me," I plead. I don't know what I'd do if he did.

"I could never hate you, baby," he assures me. "I'll always be here for you, a phone call or email away. If you change your mind, just let me know."

"Ok."

I hang up the phone feeling worst than shit. I bite my bottom lip to try and calm myself. I can't believe it's done. Over. No more Felix…

I take a deep breath and turn around. Brian's standing on the bedroom steps watching me, an unreadable expression on his face. Fuck!

BRIAN

I know I shouldn't be pissed. He had every right to call that bastard – let him know what they had is all over. And it IS fucking over! So, I definitely have no right to be pissed. Hell, I shouldn't have been eavesdropping in the first place! But fuck it, this is MY loft. I can do whatever the fuck I please.

I came outside to drag his ass in the shower with me and what's he doing? Telling his Beauty Queen that he fucking loves him!

Well, fuck him!

He's looking at me, the guilt clear on his face. He knows how much I despise liars.

I tear my eyes away from his apologetic blue ones and walk back into the bathroom.

The room is steamy and hot, just the way I like it. I let the hot water caress my skin, loosen my sore muscles.

I hear the door open and Justin walks in, naked. He gets wet quickly but doesn't stay under as long as I do. His sensitive skin really can't take this hot water.

He grabs the soap and starts washing himself. I turn off some of the water pressure and pull the soap out of his hands, turn him around so I can wash his back.

While I drag the soap over his smooth pale skin, he shampoos his hair, making it stick up in all directions.

I shake my head. This kid will never grow up.

"Brian?" he breaks the silence with his question.

"What?" My soapy hands are washing his chest now.

"Are you mad at me?" I can hear the nervousness in his voice.

"No," I tell him honestly.

He tries to turn around to face me, but I push him against the glass doors. "Stay," I order.

I don't want to talk about it. I want to fuck. I want to make him remember. We haven't fucked like we used to in such a long time.

I grip his cock in my hand and stroke it, just the way I know he likes it.

His hands try to grip the glass but they keep slipping because of the soap.

"Brian-" he whimpers.

His head is lowered so his eyes can follow my hands.

I let him go and grab a condom, tear it with my teeth and slip it on my dick quickly.

Inserting a finger up his ass to prepare him for my invasion, I hear him moan. He's sore and I should probably be slow and gentle but I won't be. Not right now… I need to be rough. It's the way I need it right now…

JUSTIN

The minute Brian enters me I want to scream. The pain is so fucking intense! But mixed in with the pleasure, it's all I want - all I can think about.

"It hurts," I moan when he thrusts inside me too hard. I feel his dick pressing against me; it feels like he's tearing me wide open. It hurts so much but I can't make him stop…I don't want him to stop.

I want to cum. I need to cum.

"You like that?" Brian whispers in my ear, his tongue licking the water from my earlobe. His fingers are pressing hard into my skin as he tries to control the pace.

"Fuck… Fuck... It hurts... Don't… fucking…stop." I'm not making much sense as he thrusts into me harder and faster…I can't think coherently. All I want is to cum…

"You want me to stop?" he whispers slyly and I can feel him slowly withdrawing.

I scream his name and move my ass back to keep him inside me.

"Don't stop!" I grip his hip and urge him to continue. "Please. Please."

But he's playing his nasty little game with me – I've got to beg him for release. I remember it well and don't even wait to be told; I chant his name and beg him to fuck me. Tell him he's the greatest fuck. He's the only fuck.

"Who do you love?" he asks me as he grips my dick in his hands, stroking and tugging on it to bring me my release.

"You, Brian!" I whimper. "Only you. Always you."

"That's what I thought."

And then we cum. Together.

I hate the way Brian always makes me remember ‘who's in charge.' It's never been me…until recently. I was in charge for a while…at least with Felix around. It must have killed him to know that he had to do the begging this time. But I never really gave him the opportunity to. I would never do that to him. He's a strong person, his pride is very important to him.

As we lay in bed after, we don't talk about what happened before. We never talk about it – he doesn't even ask me if I'm ok. He tries, in his own way, to make up for being too rough though, by holding me in his arms and gently stroking my bare flesh.

He hugs me close and I can feel his even, rhythmic breathing. I want to ask him, "What now?" but I'm scared shitless. In our haste to get to his loft for a fuck, we left everything else in the jeep – my suitcases included.

I don't know if I'm supposed to move back in with Brian or if he's going to drop me off at my mom's later. Shit! Mom! I hadn't even called to let her know I didn't leave. I pull out of Brian's arms, or try to, but he's got a firm grip.

"Where are you going?" he mutters sleepily into my ear.

"I forgot to call Mom," I tell him.

He pats my chest. "Call her in the morning. If she knows you're here, she's likely to race over and I'm not up for any vistors tonight."

"I'll tell her not to," I assure him. "It's just that I'll need her to clear her schedule tomorrow. She's gonna have to come down to school with me."

He groans, annoyed, but lets me go.

I dial her number and on the second ring, Molly answers.

"Hey, Mollusk," I say, a smile immediately on my face when I hear her squeal of joy. I haven't seen my little sister in ages. I should make an attempt to spend more time with her. Of course, if I am moving back home, I'll probably be seeing more than enough of her!

"Whatcha doing?" I ask her.

"Watching TV," she tells me. "My friend Jenna is staying over. We're having a slumber party!"

I cringe. Thank God I'm not home for that.

"Oh joy," I say sarcastically.

"Where are you? Mom was expecting you to call sooner."

"She was?" I'm confused.

"Mom!" she screams into the phone. "Justin's on the phone!"

"Molly, stop screaming. You're gonna bust my eardrum!"

My mother comes on the line, her voice cheery. "Hi sweetie," she says.

"You'll never guess where I am," I grin.

"Brian's?" she guesses.

I snort. "Nice try. He really did talk to you, didn't he?"

She laughs. "I take it everything's ok?"

I look back to where Brian's lightly snoring on the bed and smile to myself. "Everything's fine."

"How did Felix take the news?"

"He wasn't thrilled, but he understands."

"He's a lovely young man."

I sigh. "I know, Mom."

"So are you staying at Brian's?" Before I get the chance to respond, she's shouting at Molly. "What are you two watching? Is that the Sopranos? Molly! Change the channel!" In the background, I hear Tony Soprano screaming, "You motherfucking cocksucker!"

"Mom?" I laugh.

"Justin, can I call you back?"

"Wait, can I ask a favour?" I ask quickly.

"Sure, honey. What is it?"

"I need you to come and meet with the Dean tomorrow. It shouldn't be a problem to get me back in. I didn't miss a single class or anything."

"Of course!" she says without hesitation. "Molly, muting it won't help! Turn the channel!"

I laugh. "I'm gonna go, Mom."

I hang up and go into the kitchen, pour myself some milk. I'm not tired, just sore. I settle myself down in front of the TV and switch it on to the Sopranos. For a fat guy, that Tony sure is hot!

BRIAN

The sound of the TV, or maybe Justin's laughter, wakes me up. I wasn't really sleeping, mostly dozing. Turning to look at the clock, I see it's 9:30. I get out of bed and take a piss before joining Justin in the living room. He's sprawled on the sofa, legs dangling off the armrest, so I sit on the floor with my back to him.

"Tony checked Chrisy into rehab," he tells me as he rubs my neck.

He knows I watch the Sopranos once in awhile. I used to make him watch it with me.

"Why didn't you wake me?" I ask him.

He's got a half-eaten bowl of popcorn on the table so I grab a handful and pop it into my mouth. It's still warm and dripping with butter.

"Jesus, Justin!" I complain, turning around to wipe the butter on his shirt. I am, after all, still in my birthday suit! "You're going to give yourself a heart attack eating this junk!"

He ignores me and turns up the volume.

I look around and realize the lazy twat still hasn't brought his stuff up from the jeep. What the fuck is he waiting on? I don't want him taking weeks to settle in like last time. I've got too much work to do at night with all my new clients and increased workload, I don't need any distractions.

"Are you going to get your shit and unpack tonight or what?" I ask him, turning around to face him.

"Huh?" he raises his eyebrows, confused.

For someone that scored 1500 on his SATs, he can be so dense sometimes.

"I'll clear out your space for you," I continue, knowing he'll catch on. "Fuck. I had gotten so used to my loft again. You're going to come in and fucking take over, I can feel it!"

He doesn't even crack a smile.

"So you want me to stay?" he asks softly. "Here?"

Shit. I just assumed he'd move back in.

"It was just a suggestion," I cover quickly, my eyes remaining fixed coldly on his face.

He smiles. "I'll get everything after the show."

Whatever. I nod and turn back towards the TV.

Moments later, I feel his breath on my ear and then he kisses my cheek. "Thanks, Brian."

But I feel as though I should be thanking him instead.

24/11/02

Banner courtesy Andrea

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