AS YOU ARE
Part 12

Thanks to the betas -  Mandi, Connie, Lois & Acacia

BRIAN's POV

Someone is trying to break down my fucking door.

That is the only conclusion I can possibly draw right about now. I try to ignore whoever it is by covering my head with a pillow...but it doesn't work. They just won't go away. I let out a loud groan and get off the bed, slip into my robe and shout, "Alright already!"

It's Lindsay...and my son. She's got a big, cheery smile on her face, which makes me want to kill her. Gus is fidgeting in her arms trying to get to his teddy bear, which is sticking out of his baby bag hanging off her shoulder.

"Hi dad." she kisses me on the cheek and walks right in.

I shut the door and grumpily ask, "Why the fuck didn't you use your key?"

She puts the bag on the kitchen table. "I forgot it. Besides, I'm just dropping by."

I give her a phony smile as I turn on the coffee maker, take my son in my arms. "Hey Sonnyboy." I give him a quick peck on the cheek before turning back to his mother. "So you wake me up at..." I look at the clock. "Nine am! Shit Linds, this better be good."

She smiles. "I need a favour."

Fuck. I already know what she's going to ask. And fuck if I'm going to stay home on a public holiday to babysit. "No."

She laughs. "I didn't even say anything!"

I hand Gus back to her, but not without kissing his cheek again. "I know what you're going to ask. And the answer is no."

She huffs a little. "Bri, come on. When do I ever ask you for anything?"

I raise an eyebrow and she sighs. "He's your son too, you know. You need to spend some quality time with him. When was the last time you even saw him?"

I pour us both some coffee. "Don't pull any bullshit on me. You know how busy I've been with work."

She stares at me for a long time...with that look in her eyes. And I'm a goner. I can't refuse Lindsay much...we've gone through too much together for me to even consider refusing her anything.

With a drawn out sigh, I concede. "Ok."

She smiles and tells Gus, "Did you hear that, Gus? Your dada's gonna keep you tonight."

My eyes open wide from both the hot coffee burning my tongue and her comment. "What? Linds-"

She's a fast one. She has Gus in my hands and is heading toward the door in a matter of seconds. "Everything is in his bag, Bri."

I rush after her. "Hang on-"

"Mel and I are so grateful! We're going to be at Chloe's cottage. The number is in the bag in case anything comes up, ok?"

"LINDSAY!" I shout but she's running down the steps two at a time and with Gus in my arms, I can't follow as fast.

"Bitch." I mutter as I walk back into the loft.

Gus is sucking on his finger contentedly, making little noises as he does. I now have a fucking huge headache.

How do I get myself into these things?

"Now what?" I ask Gus.

I spread his baby blanket on the floor after moving the coffee table and put him down on it to play. I dig through his bag and empty all the toys on the floor. He seems occupied, so I sit back to drink my coffee and keep an eye on him.

From the baby pictures I've seen of myself, I'd say Gus looks spot on. No doubt about it then...he must be mine.
Sometimes, I wish he wasn't...
Because now I have a constant reminder...(tick) that I'm getting older...(tick) and older...every day...month...year...(tick, tick, tick).
I now have a responsibilty...to take care of someone other than myself...think of someone else's needs for once.
And it fucking bugs me.
But I'm not sorry I had him. I gave life to someone...I did someting good for a change. Something right.

Gus looks up at me and smiles. His eyes, which mirror my own, are locked onto mine. I smile, lean down and kiss his forehead. "So...what have you got planned for us today, Sonnyboy?"

"I'm telling you, the next edition of the comic book is gonna be fantastic!"

I called Mikey over when I got desperate. I needed someone around to help ease the boredom.

Now I'm desperate to get rid of him.

He's driving me crazy talking non-stop. I can't help but feel a little guilty though...I feel as though I've been neglecting him. It's just that I have been busy with work...so busy, I can't even remember the last time I got laid...or even a decent blow-job. And that's a first...for me.

And I have had so many other things on my mind...

Memories of that night...

Nightmares really...

I can't get some of the images out of my head. Seeing Justin kissing Felix...touching him...begging him. I hate seeing Justin beg for anything...he shouldn't have to. With me, it was different...he knows I'll protect him...never hurt him...he'll always get what he wants...whatever he asks for.

Every time I close my eyes and remember...I see myself..kissing Felix...but it isn't Felix...I'm kissing myself. And it's fucking scary.

I'm seeing myself...how I am...the things I do...and it's fucking scary.

I can't even sleep some nights...I'm scared shitless. I wonder what I've turned Justin into... If he's really like me...

I'm scared there's no turning back...for neither of us...that I can't change anything...

I will forever be without love but with abundant tricks. And I'm beginning to wonder if I want that anymore.

I'm on the floor with Gus, watching him play with his toys...making sure he doesn't try to eat anything and choke...Lindsay would kill me if I let anything happen...and after the last stunt I pulled, I'm not about to let him out of my sight.

"I came up with this really awesome story for Rage." Mikey continues excitedly, pulling me out of my thoughts. "Wanna hear about it?"

I decide to humour him, but I'm saved by a knock on the door.

It's Justin. And he looks like shit. His eyes are red and puffy...he's been crying for a while...there are big, fat tears ready to fall down his cheeks...any minute now. His beautiful mouth is quivering and he's got his hands in the pockets of his jacket.

I pull him into my arms silently and he immediately begins to shake. I am more confused than ever...he's the last person I expected to see at my door having an emotional breakdown of some sort. But I will never turn my back on him...or any of my friends. I can be a bastard at times...but only when I want to be...when I have to be...

His arms are hugging me so tight, I begin to feel a little uneasy, but I don't say anything...don't move.

After long moments, he pulls away and starts to wipe at his tears with the palms of his hands.

"Justin." I say softly.

He stops and looks at me but doesn't answer...His eyes are glazed and his lower lip won't stop quivering...as if he's cold...but he's wearing a thick jacket so I don't know what to think...
The longer I stare into his blue eyes, the more I worry. He must have taken something or drank a little too much...because he's acting too strange...even for him.

I hear his tiny hiccup...followed by another...and still another. I pull him back into my arms and walk him into the bedroom. He doesn't even wait for me to do anything else, undresses quickly and slides under the covers. He keeps his gaze locked onto mine for as long as he can and then finally, his eyes close. I don't know how long I stand there staring at him while he sleeps, but it's my weakness...watching him sleep. And I haven't been able to do it for long months...

"Brian? Is he going to be ok?" Mikey asks softly. He's standing beside me and staring at Justin.
I don't want him to see Justin...not like this...Justin hates breaking down in front of people. And I don't want people thinking he's weak...because he fucking IS not. He's the strongest person I know.

I won't let anyone into my space with him...it's too private...too personal.

I walk out of the bedroom and motion for Mikey to follow me. Gus is still on the floor playing, unaware of anything else. I'm thankful. If he had seen Justin, he would have wanted to play with him...and Justin's not up for playing with anyone right now.

My heart is racing, I'm so worried about him. I have no idea what's going on...I'm going to have to wait until he gets up to have my answers though.

"Brian? Are you listening to me?" Mikey asks, obviously annoyed.

"No." I tell him quickly. "I don't want to hear anything right now."

"I better go then." he adds dejectedly.

"Ok." I agree.

I know he wants to stay but he can't help me right now. He can't help Justin.

"Call me if you need me, ok?" Mikey asks as we stand at the door.

I nod and kiss him goodbye quickly.

Gus seems content on the floor so I decide to check on Justin again. He hasn't moved...not that I really expected him to as he's only been there for a few minutes...but I'm drawn to him...like I've always been.

I half lay on the bed, and prop myself up on my elbows and stare at him.. He's breathing quietly. I push a stray blond hair away from his face...let my fingers run along its silky texture.

"What the fuck's going on, Justin?" I question him softly.

I don't expect an answer, and I don't get one.

I hear Gus moving around in the other room and go check on him. He's looking pretty miserable, his eyes welling up with tears.
I sigh. Two crying babies in one day. What luck.
I pick him up and lie on the sofa. He settles down on my chest quietly and I pat his back, holding him close.
I have no memories of my father being like this with me...showing affection...love. I won't make the same mistake with Gus. He'll never doubt how I feel about him.
I kiss his head.
Minutes later we're both asleep.

It's late when I check on Justin again...close to 12. Gus hasn't gotten up since I put him down. Linds left her portable crib here a few weeks ago so Gus is settled. I'm hoping he sleeps through the night.

Justin's on my side of the bed, hugging my pillow. My side.....when did he and I begin to have our own sides?

I don't want to wake him but he should get up...eat something...have a shower. And talk to me...because I'm going out of my fucking mind.

I very gently start to shake him awake. He groans, mumbles something and turns to sleep again. I have to shake him again but this time he opens his eyes.

When he sees me, he blinks...twice. "Brian?"

"Are you feeling ok?"

He sits up and looks around. "Fuck! What am I doing here?"

I don't answer him, instead I tell him to go take a shower. He gets off the bed and makes his way to the bathroom. I turn the coffee machine on and wait anxiously for him.

It seems like he's taking forever...but he finally comes out...with a towel wrapped around his slim waist. His wet hair is dripping on my floor but I don't care. I don't care about anything but him right now.

"Top drawer." I remind him of his left-over clothes. He changes into his jeans again and pulls on the blue t-shirt, my favourite...the one that matches his eyes.

By the time he joins me, I have two coffee cups ready. He wordlessly takes one in his hand, sips on it. I lean against the counter and just watch him...wait for him to talk to me...to tell me what the hell is going on...

"Brian, I'm sorry." he finally says softly.

"Sorry's bullshit, Justin. And what do you have to be sorry for?"

He's not looking into my eyes...his gaze is fixed on something next to me. "For coming here." he whispers.

I can't fucking believe what he just said...and I tell him as much. He seems surprised by my harsh outburst but finally looks into my eyes.

"You aren't mad at me?" he asks.

"Why would I be mad at you?"

He shrugs, looks at the floor. "After what happened...I didn't think you'd want to see me."

Now I can't look at him. I don't want to be reminded about that night...what we did... It's still too fresh in my mind...all the nagging, cumbersome thoughts are still hanging around.

Every time I think about it, I feel fucked. I feel as though my entire world is collapsing...falling apart...crumbling out from under me.
I feel as though Brian Kinney made the biggest fucking mistake of his life...But I'm not thinking about that fucking threesome. I'm thinking about Justin.

I'm thinking about too much...the past..everything we've been through. All the shit I put him through...and yet he stuck around...until I pushed him too far...and now he's gone and replaced me...and it fucking hurts...because he's replaced me...with a fucking replica of myself.

And how can you beat someone who's got the money, the looks, the loft, the body...

How can I beat myself?

And It hurts because "my replica" isn't scared like I am...he isn't afraid to love...or be loved...

I cut off the disturbing thoughts. "Justin, you can always come here." I tell him.

He sighs, relieved.

"What happened tonight, Justin?"

He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.

"Did he hit you?" I don't know why I ask this question but it's the only thing I can think of...why else would he be so freaked out?

His eyes open wide. I must have upset him. "No! Why the fuck would you think that?" he says angrily. "Felix would never hit me! Besides, he's not even here."

My eyes narrow. "Is THAT why you're here? Your prince gone off again so you come here for -"

"Stop it!" he puts his cup down. "I never should have come here! I'm gonna go."

Shit. I can't let him leave like this. "Justin. Wait."

He turns around and just watches me cautiously.

"What happened?" I ask him.

He shifts uncomfortably. "I just...overreacted. I'm just feeling so crazy...so confused."

"Is it school?"

"No."

"Do you need money?"

"Brian! No!"

"Then what?"

He takes a long time...but finally he tells me what it is that's bothering him.

"Felix asked me to move in with him."

I wonder if he can hear the sound of my heart breaking...if he can see the look of pure horror cross my face...I can't mask anything right now...this is too sudden...so unprepared for. Everything is raw...real.

I make myself ask...even though I suspect the answer already. "What did you say?"

His eyes well up with tears again. "Yes." he whispers.

- top - Meet Felix - home -
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