AS YOU ARE
Part 11

Thanks to LOIS & CONNIE

JUSTIN's POV

"Tell me about Brian."

Felix and I are in his bed wearing white terry cloth robes..the same ones he brought back from a shoot in LA recently.
We've spent most of our Sunday fucking...and then holding each other...like we do sometimes.
I turn to look at him, surprised by his question...it had come from nowhere really.
One minute, we were talking about how much we wanted to go away to New York for a weekend, just the two of us and the next, he's asking me about Brian.

"What?" I ask, not sure I heard him right.

He rubs at an eye tiredly. "I'm just curious about him."

WHY? I want to shout. I don't want to talk about Brian...not now...not for a long time...especially after what happened. I haven't seen him...since...

I've been avoiding him really...but I suspect he may also be avoiding me.

It's odd. When Felix told me about his "house-warming" party...and that a few of his friends were flying in from the UK to see him, I couldn't wait. I hadn't been to a party...a really GOOD party in ages.
From up-front, Felix explained about his friends...Some were models themselves and...expected certain things. They NEEDED certain things to have a good time.

And I got scared...I admit it. After a few drug scares myself...and Brian's warning to not use anything unless he was around, I was very nervous.

I told Felix I wouldn't...couldn't participate in anything...But I wanted too...really, really wanted too. I hadn't had a threesome since...Brian really. And although it wasn't something I wanted all the time, the occasional threesome could be exciting and thrilling.
But the only man I was willing to do anything like that with...with the exception of Felix, was Brian. Just thinking about the three of us...in bed, our senses maximized with "a little help"...wanting each other with so much need...urgency...desperation...it got me hard...

And Felix knew how much I wanted it.

As much as he wasn't ready to share me with anyone, especially Brian, he was willing to try...

I didn't think Felix would actually seek Brian out...just as I never once expected Brian to show up. And when he did, I was angry.

"Justin?" Felix touches my shoulder lightly.

"What?" I sound more harsh than I intend to, still lost in my thoughts. "I don't want to fucking talk about him."

Felix rolls his eyes heavenward and lets out a snort. "Well I do. I think I deserve to know about him."

"Why now?" I ask impatiently.

He sits up so he's hovering over me, his nostrils flaring slightly, a sure sign that he's incredibly pissed. "Let me think. After telling me you're up for a fucking threesome, you turn the tables around and DEMAND THAT fucking bastard be the third party! Can you blame me if I want to know a little more about the guy who you were so distraught over only a few months ago?"

I'm just as pissed now. I sit up and stare into his navy blue eyes coldly. I ignore the last of his comments and say, "Oh, blame this on me. Was I the one who went ahead and inivited him? You wanted this as much as I did!"

"What the fuck did you expect me to do?" he shouts. "It was him or bloody nobody! I was quite content with NOBODY!"

I slump back on the pillows, feeling too drained to argue. Besides, he was right. It was my stupid idea. "Stop. This is going to go nowhere."

"It happened, and now you've been acting wierd all bloody week!"

"OK. I'll stop."

"Justin." he leans over me, his blonde hair lightly carressing my forehead. "He did it for you. WE did this for you. Doesn't that tell you something?"

I close my eyes...hoping he won't say anything more.

I feel his lips pressing against my own...very briefly...then they're gone...and he's whispering in my ear, "You have two men who are willing to do anything to make you happy....who love you...."

And I start to cry before he can even finish. My body trembles as I let it all out. I can't stop...I have kept this inside all week...this pain...hurt...confusion...and...fear.

Pain in my heart...everytime I thought about the outcome of our actions...

Hurt in my body after having it pushed further than it had been in a long while...

Confusion in my mind...as I tried to figure out Brian's reason for showing up at the party...I KNOW he must have a motive...Brian can be a selfish prick at times...Why did an invite from Felix sway him?

And fear...that it was over. There would be no turning back... Felix would now demand...or expect more from me...wouldn't he? And Brian would never speak to me again...for making him do this...

And my thoughts are plagued with that night...
Although I know Felix's motive for inviting Brian and think I know Brian's reason for accepting...I can't help but wonder if there is more to it than them wanting to please me...

Everytime I close my eyes, I see them...hear them...going at it...fucking...kissing...sucking...I get hard just thinking about it.

*I want to feel you inside of me...*

*Fuck me, Brian...*

*Do you like how that feels, Felix? I want to hear you say it...*

WHY can't I forget? I want to close my eyes and pretend it never happened.

"Don't cry, baby." he whispers as he tries to comfort me. "I didn't mean to upset you. I'm sorry. I'm such a bloody prick."

I hug him to me tighter...this man...who I know cares about me so much...that he'd do anything to please me...even allow the one man who he KNOWS I love...to fuck me...while he watches.

His only way of dealing with it all was to have us all drugged up...with the hope that we wouldn't remember...HIM in particular.

He holds me tight and I don't ever want him to let go.

I met him outside of Babylon."

We're back in bed...having only gotten up for lunch and a shower. I have to go home soon...
I'm calmer now...although I refuse to explain my earlier "emotional breakdown" to Felix. He doesn't need to know about my fears yet...after all, nothing may come to pass.

And after thinking about it, I realise that he's right. He deserves to know about Brian...expecially after what he did for me.

He turns to me now, props himself up on an elbow and smiles...but says nothing. He is a great listener.

"Two years ago...I decided to come out. I was scared shitless...didn't know where to go to meet guys...what to do when I did...I was on Liberty Avenue when I saw him. Brian." I whisper the last part and add, "Or he saw me...Asked me if I had a busy night." I smile at the memory. "He took me home and took my virginity. I'll never forget that night...how gentle he was with me...he made me feel....safe."

Felix smiles encouragingly. "Every gay bloke should BE that lucky... "

"I guess I sort of...fell for him...but Brian doesn't do boyfriends...or he didn't until I came along...I pushed and pushed him...until he had no choice."

"I can't picture anyone pushing Brian Kinney to do something he doesn't want to do."

We both grin.

"I had my ways."

"I bet you did." Felix says. "I can't even see him asking you to be his "boyfriend"...let alone move in with him."

I take a deep breath. "Well...it wasn't so easy."

"What do you mean?"

"I only moved in with Brian after I...got bashed..." Felix doesn't start at me with questions, just waits for me...asks nothing...says nothing...he knows I'll tell him...when I'm ready.

"This sorry fuck decided to take a bat to my head on my prom night...I think seeing me and my...lover...Brian...dancing and kissing on the dance floor...it was too much for him."

Felix still says nothing, just waits for me to continue, which I do. "Daphne said...Brian looked hotter than he ever did when he walked in...I was surprised because he told me he wouldn't be caught dead in a room full of 18-year-olds...but he came anyway. He pulled me into his arms and we danced...I...I...wish I could remember it."

Felix squeezes my hand when he sees the pain in my eyes, hears the sadness in my tone...he smiles and kisses me. "You're so strong... I fancy you even more now."

I laugh. "Strong? I was a fucking mess...which is why Brian took me in. My mom couldn't handle me...so she asked Brian to..." I pause. "It was...very difficult at first...but he was extra-gentle...tried to be patient and...understanding. He really tried to help me..."

"Because he blamed himself..." Felix finishes.

I look into his eyes. "Yeah, he did." After a few moments, I continue. "He tried to help me remember...by re-enacting everything with me."

*This is the best night of my life.*

*Even if it is ridiculously romantic.*

*JUSTIN!*

*You never told me you called out to me.*

*I must have forgotten.*

"It wasn't his fault...or yours." Felix tells me.

I nod. He must notice how glazed my eyes are beginning to look because he quickly changes the topic by asking another question. "So are you going to tell me how the great Kinney asked you to be his BOYFRIEND!" He's grinning like a mad man, which brings a smile to my face too. I forget about my previous thoughts for the while.

"Shut up! He didn't ask anything. He just told me..." I hit him on his arm lightly to get him to stop laughing and try to do my best Brian impersonation. "We're not a couple of dykes...no locks on our doors..." I stop as I remember. "He said he would be doing exactly what he wants to..." I pause, lower my eyes as I play with the tie for the robe.

"What's that?" Felix asks.

"Coming home to me." I whisper.

"Brian actually said that?"

I laugh. "Yeah."

"So he does have a romantic side then?"

I don't say anything.

"When did things go wrong?" he asks. "Was it the threesomes that turned you off? No, that can't be it...you told me you like them sometimes."

"It was a lot of things." Which I don't want to go into right now.
Talking about Brian makes me feel ten times worse...especially in the circumstances. And I know I have to fix this...before it's too late.

"And so you left him." Felix says as he leans over me, his eyes locked onto mine.

"He wouldn't give me what I...needed most." Three simple words.

We're silent for a long time...both thinking.

Finally, Felix leans down and kisses me. It's a sweet kiss, filled with love.

When he pulls away, he stares into my eyes for a few seconds before saying, "I'm glad that you left him..."

I try to turn away but his hand keeps my head firmly in place and adds, "I'm glad, but only because I get to have you as part of my life now."

I take a deep breath and he continues, "I want you to know something, baby. Words...they shouldn't mean everything."

I swallow hard. How did he know what I was thinking? My eyes begin to water as I continue to stare into his.

"Someone can tell you they love you a hundred times a day and not mean it...not once." he wipes away at a tear rolling down my cheek. "Brian loves you. Even if he has trouble saying it...he does love you."

I close my eyes and let the tears fall down my cheeks and unto the white pillow. "You don't know anything."

"I only know what you tell me, baby...and what I see." he kisses my forehead. "And I see... you still love him too."

I open my eyes and look into his...see the vulnerability there...the insecurity. I touch his cheek with my hand, run my fingers over his lips.

"I'm not going to leave you, Felix." I say, desperately trying to make him feel better...upset that I may have hurt him tonight...

He lowers his eyes from mine. "I hope so." he says softly, captures my mouth with his for a deep kiss.

As I slip my arms around his neck, I can't help but think, "I hope so too."

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