AS YOU ARE
Part 5

Thanks to Connie and Lois

MIKEY’s POV

The first time I met Felix, I wanted to hate him. Really, I did.

In my mind, I knew that I had to be loyal to Brian…even though he and Justin weren’t together anymore.

So when Ma told me Justin and his new boyfriend were coming to her birthday party, I had it all planned out: I was going to snob Felix and make him feel very unwelcome.

Ma had already begged me to behave…she seems to think this Felix is a nice guy. I’ve never seen him before but Ma told me he’s some fancy model. I don’t really care much the GQ look…well not anymore, anyways. But I can’t believe how much Ma talks about him.

She told me how good he is to “her Sunshine.” Well, whatever. Brian was fucking good to Sunshine and look what happened!

The party started around 6-ish with most of the gang already there. Only Brian and Justin were missing. Actually, it wasn’t even much of a party really. Ma just made some finger food and Uncle Vic baked a huge cake.

Ben made her some exotic Thai dish, which she declared was her new favourite…but she was just being overly dramatic…as usual.

I remember going to the kitchen to get a beer and hearing the doorbell. I hoped it would be Brian because I hadn’t seen him, since I had gone to his place a few days ago. He looked like shit but said he was working his ass off on some new accounts. Not much time for the boys anymore, he said.

And I tried to understand. After all, he’s a partner now…things change. But still…I worry about him.

I worry that his way of dealing with the pain of losing Justin is to bury himself totally in his work. I know he’d deny this reasoning…but I know Brian. And I know he’s hurting right now. I just wish there was something I could do…to help.

So I was pissed when instead of seeing my best friend at the door, I see Justin and Felix.

Felix walked in carrying a bottle of expensive wine. And flowers and chocolates for Ma.

What a suck up, I thought. Did he really think he could buy her? No way. We are a loyal bunch. And we’ve known Brian a helluva lot longer than we’ve known this guy.

I couldn’t keep my eyes off him though. He was so hot. And he was just in jeans and a plain tee.

But just looking at him, I realized that he was the kind of guy every man…and woman…would fantasize about…the one who’s in your dreams every night…but you never really get him.

And so you settle for the “other” guy. The mediocre one you bring home to mom, who has the great personality…but a slightly crooked nose…and big eyes…and a spare tyre.

I know Ben is a catch and I’m glad I have him. But he’s no Felix…that’s for sure.

I’ve never met a Felix…someone so good looking, you feel hot and out of breath just being in the same room with them. Ok, maybe I have. And his name is Brian Kinney. But this is different…or maybe I’m just going crazy.

He has dirty blonde hair that looks tousled and sexy. I wonder if he had forgotten to comb it.
And his eyes…they’re an intense blue. They’re not like Justin’s…darker maybe. But when he’s looking at me, I can’t seem to look anywhere else.
And he has a good body. Not big. He doesn’t do weights…or so Justin told me once when we were working on the comic book together.

Justin says Felix eats as much as he does…and that kid sure knows how to pack it away…He just doesn’t get fat. Bastard!

I watched Felix kiss Ma happy birthday and then whisper something in her ear to make her burst into a loud laugh. When she laughs like that, I can’t help but smile too.

And then the lesbians were introducing themselves, fawning over him…inviting him over to their house for dinner sometime.
And I’m disgusted. How can they all betray Brian like this? Don’t they remember what Justin did to Brian? Have they forgotten that Brian still loves Justin? This Felix…he shouldn’t even be here!

Emmett and Ted were all over him too…asking questions about modeling and Europe and theatre…and I want to scream at them all. Stop it! Stop it! We’re supposed to be loyal to Brian. But I say nothing.

Instead, I watched Felix get comfortable next to Uncle Vic. They start talking and then Vic says something that has them both laughing. Felix can’t seem to stop…and then he leans over and sort of hugs Vic to him…in a friendly way…as if they’d been friends forever.

And Vic jokingly tells him, “You don’t want to get too close to this old queen, you might get infected!”

But Felix ignores him and keeps smiling. Vic goes to get beers for them.

Justin sits next to his boyfriend and tells him, “That was his way of telling you he’s HIV+.”

But Felix just shrugged and said, “We’re all infected with one thing or another. He’s a great guy…got a bloody good sense of humour. You’ve got great friends, sweetheart. I hope you know that. Especially Deb. She reminds me of my aunt Pru.”

And that’s when I knew…that I couldn’t hate him. His compassion for my Uncle Vic really did me in. I mean, he’d only met him that day…found out he was HIV+…and honestly didn’t care…

Uncle Vic had people who he’d known for lifetimes turn their backs on him.

So just like everyone else, I betrayed Brian by actually liking Felix.

Looking at him and Justin all night, I realized how much Felix really cared for Justin. I saw it in the way he looked at him…the way he touched him…and the way he always made sure Justin was ok.

And I couldn’t hate him…because he was giving Justin something he had always wanted…needed from Brian...something both he and I…craved.

I know Brian loves Justin, but Brian’s stubborn…and complicated.

I still love Brian. But I don’t think I want to be with him as much anymore.
Seeing him with Justin made me realize he could change.
He could become the boyfriend I’ve always wanted and do the whole relationship thing…but only under his terms.
And I hate his terms…I’m surprised Justin lasted as long as he did. 

The only reason Justin survived was because he went along with it…he played the game and broke a rule or two…and got away with it.

But then he got smart I think. He met…Ethan…a young man who could actually give him the words and meet his needs.

And so he chose to stop wasting his life on someone who would never change…just like I chose.

And because of it, I have Ben now...and I’m happy.

And Justin has Felix…and he’s happy.

If only Brian could be happy…

I wonder if it will be awkward when Brian finally does arrive.

But that was a wasted worry…Brian never showed up.

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