AS YOU ARE
Part 4

A million thanks to CONNIE

MEET FELIX

JUSTIN’s POV

“Close your eyes now.” Felix whispers into my ear. “We’re nearly there.”

For the past week, I haven’t seen much of Felix as he’s been busy apartment hunting and taking care of work. His agent is slightly pissed that he moved to the Pitts, as can be expected, so he’s been under some stress.

I have had my fair share of stress recently too, getting ready for school and working out how I'm going to pay tuition. I'm worried because my mom's strapped for cash and I don't even have half yet.

I’m here tempted to call Brian, but don’t. I don’t want to burden him anymore with my problems. Felix has offered to pay them…but I’m not sure if that’s such a good idea.

I push the troublesome thoughts out of my head and try to relax.

Felix is so excited; he’s taking me to see his new place…but he refuses to tell me anything about it. I don’t mind, I love surprises.

We get out of the taxi and he covers my eyes with his hand but he really doesn’t have to as I don’t peek.

He pulls me along with him, and is extremely patient and careful with me. We walk a short distance before I hear a loud noise and then a squeaky sound. I think we are in an a lift.

A few seconds later, I hear a door opening and he pushes me into a room.

“We’re here!” He says and removes his hand.

As my eyes adjust to the light, I have to blink.

And then I think my heart stops beating…I feel as though someone has knocked the air out of me. I close my eyes and open them again. But nothing has changed.

This can’t be happening. I’m dreaming. Please…someone tell me I’m dreaming.

I am in so much shock that I can’t move from the doorway…my feet seem to be glued to the floor.

I take a deep breath and come to terms with the reality of it. This place…it’s a loft…just like Brian’s loft to be exact…but so empty.

My eyes quickly search the room…I’m not sure why. Maybe because I think I’ll see him standing there laughing…telling me this is just a big joke…that Felix would never choose to live in the same building as him…that he would never allow such a thing.

But I don’t see Brian...no trace of him anywhere.

Yet it is all so familiar.

My eyes first focus on the bare corner where he and I would sit on his expensive Italian leather furniture and watch TV… and then I hear him…he’s telling me that I can’t afford to spill anything on it… and then I see us…naked…on the chair…the TV’s on in the background but I can’t see it…and neither can he because he’s fucking me from behind…my hands grip the top of the sofa for support…and I’m begging him not to stop.

I bite my lip and turn away from the empty corner.

My eyes shift to the kitchen…and I see Brian opening the fridge…pulling out a bottle of bottled water and pouring it over his semi-naked body. He’s asking me if I’m coming or going…or coming and then going…or coming and staying…

I walk across to the kitchen and touch the metal stools. They’re like the old ones Brian had…with white covers. I close my eyes and trail my fingers along the cool metal. I feel hands then…hugging me from behind. And then I feel his lips on my own. He laughs when he pulls away and I notice that he has my coffee cup in his hands.

I pull my hand away quickly and open my eyes.

I look around some more and walk to the spot where the desk once was. I stare at the floor but all I see is dust.

And then I notice my favourite chair is missing too….my ice cream chair.
Sometimes on Sundays, Brian would let me feed him ice cream on that chair…just like I had done months before. We’d get naked and fuck…and I’d straddle him as I fed him…mouthful after mouthful, licking away at any that spilt.

I take a deep breath and feel tears pricking at my eyes. Why does this place still haunt me so much?

For the first time in weeks, I wish I could go back in time…wish I could forget ever meeting Ethan…for if I hadn’t met him, I never would have wanted so much from Brian…never expected too much.

And then I would still be with him now…

I don’t know why but something draws me to the bedroom.

I can still see the blue lights above the bed in my mind…and the huge window at the side. But other than that, it’s fairly empty.

I see Brian then…standing there, smiling at me, telling me he’s going to fuck me…fuck me all night. He pulls off his vest and throws it at me…but as I reach out to catch it, I clutch air instead.

“Justin?” Felix is standing next to me, a worried look on his face.

I had forgotten about him. I jump, startled and then look at him. He’s so beautiful. I touch his cheek and say, “It’s great. I love it.”

And I’m not lying because it’s true. I’ve always loved this place. I loved living here with Brian.

He sighs, obviously relieved. I don’t know why he needs me to be happy so much. But it’s important to him. He always wants me to see me smiling…he says it makes him happy.

I don’t even know why he likes me. I asked him once, when we were in bed at his flat in London.

We had just had the most amazing sex and were under the covers eating chocolates. Felix loves chocolates. He’s sort of like me…can eat anything and not get fat.
But he doesn’t eat chocolate days before he has a photo shoot. He says he gets spots…but I’m yet to see them.

He takes a while to answer as we’re on the bed but he’s staring at me as I suck on the dark treat.  And then he just smiles and says it’s because I’m so real…I’m as honest as they come and he trusts me.

I nearly choke. All I can remember thinking at that time was, “Felix, if you only knew what a big fat nasty liar I am.” But I kept silent.

“Isn’t it fantastic?” he gushes. “I just spent a bloody fortune on it, but it’s so amazing!”

I grin at how melodramatic he is. Sometimes I think he is more of a drama queen that I could ever be.

But I feel I must ask. Just to be sure. To prove I’m not going insane. “Is this Ross Street…corner of Tremont?”

He laughs. “As a matter of a fact, it is! I’m on the seventh floor. Been here before have you?”

And I feel trapped all of a sudden. Even though he knows nothing about Brian and me, I can’t tell him…won’t tell him that Brian lives one floor down from him.

So I lie. “My mom’s a realtor. Remember?”

He nods, understanding I assume, because he doesn’t press it.

But I feel dirty.

I can’t help but feel that way. After all, my…boyfriend…yes Felix has become my boyfriend…is now living in the same building as my…ex-boyfriend…as Brian.

For Felix’s sake, I put on my happy face and try to act enthused as he shows me around the loft.

But I already know this place, inside out. I have too many memories here…things I can never forget…no matter how hard I try.

And things I don’t ever want to forget.

Felix is telling me that he’s going to get expensive leather furniture and a flat screen TV, but I’m so tuned out.
I keep wondering what Brian will think. Will he even care?

“Justin?” he calls. “Are you listening to me?”

I look up and smile and he pulls me into his arms, hugging me so tight, I have to pull away.

“What do you say we try out the shower now?” he suggests.

He starts kissing me and I let my worries slide away.

But when I enter the bathroom, I freeze in front of the mirror.

Because I see him behind me…whispering something dirty in my ear.

My eyes follow him into the shower…and then I see me…with him.

He’s kissing me...hands me the bar of soap…I ask him if he wants me to fuck him. He gives me an annoyed look and says he just wants me to wash his back.

And then he’s gone…replaced with Felix…who turns the shower on and reaches for me. I see him in the mirror taking off my clothes…and then kissing my shoulder.

He pulls me behind him into the shower and soon we’re both under the warm water...and I am enjoying it.

He’s an amazing kisser. And he loves to kiss me. He says I have the sexiest lips he’s ever seen…full…pouting…begging to be kissed.

I’ve never thought that about my lips…well not really. I just like my butt…mainly because so many guys like it too.

His hands are all over my naked body…and then his mouth is over a nipple. I close my eyes and let the pleasure rush through my body.

He pushes me against the glass walls of the shower and bites off the top of the condom packet.

I don’t know why this feels so much like déjà vu…but it does.

He presses my face against the glass but it doesn’t hurt much and then he enters me, thrusting into my tight hole harder and faster.

It feels like fucking heaven and I moan and groan like I always do.

And only one thing is running through my head like it always does.

Brian. Brian. Brian. Brian. Brian. Brian.

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