AS YOU ARE
Part 1

BRIAN's POV

He was gone. And this time, it was for real. I had known I had lost him the minute I saw him kissing that greasy haired fag. So I had taken off my mask to let him know I was ok with it, that I'd be fine. But still I feel my arm reaching out for him as I do every morning but as usual, I'm disappointed as I feel nothing but cool sheets.

Fuck! Why can't I just stop doing this? Months have gone by and I still need to feel his body next to mine…clinging to me as he always did. Why do I miss him so much? Why do I come home every night, after pushing my self all day at the office, wishing that he'd be here…waiting for me…cooking dinner for me...happy to see me.

Justin. The little shit really walked out on me. I feel betrayed somehow. After all, I did a lot for that kid. I say he doesn't owe me anything, and he truly doesn't but…I expected more from him. I know I can be hard to live with sometimes…but he said he loved me. Isn't that supposed to mean something? I didn't think he'd go through with it. I never in a million years expected him to leave me. If only he didn't push me so hard…just allow me to do things at my own pace.
I knew how much he wanted the flowers and the picnics and the romance. But I wasn't ready…and he shouldn't have pushed me. He was not supposed to go seeking it outside. We had a fucking agreement for crying out loud. I kept to all the rules…why the fuck couldn't he? I allowed myself to get into a relationship with him…something I told myself I'd never do…because Brian Kinney does NOT do relationships, love or romance. And yet, one was achieved…maybe even two. I guess we'll never know now.

I wonder about him sometimes. Ok, I lie. I wonder about him all the time...especially when I'm alone…which is why I wrap myself up in my work and never allow thoughts of him to come inside. I work and work and work until I need to either collapse into bed or get drunk. But still, I never ask about him. Why should I? He isn't my responsibility anymore. He chose to walk out the door with that music-playing cocksucker at the party that I had planned for him. He's responsible for himself now…and I'm glad. But I knew I was lying to myself again. If he ever needed me, I'd be there. I'm so full of shit.

I always suspected that he'd leave me. Despite what he said, I knew he didn't love me. He was just a stupid infatuated kid, who was too young for me in the first place. He still has to learn and experience so much. But I'll always be grateful that he came into my life. He made me feel things no one else could…things I had no idea I could feel. But they're gone now. I don't want to feel those things anymore.

And now I've got to look after myself.

I lie on my bed and stare at the ceiling remembering the day his mother had come over to collect his stuff. She had looked extremely uncomfortable. But she tried to smile and had apologized. She told me she was sorry for how things had turned out. But she was glad Justin had met me. Yeah right. What a load of shit. I knew she blamed me for everything bad in Justin's life; him being gay, him becoming so independent…and the bashing.

I close my eyes as I think about that. So much time has passed yet still I feel so much pain. I can still see the blood…hear myself scream his name…smell his scent. That night was the best night in all of my life…and also the worst. I can't fault his mother for blaming me…I still blame my self. If only I hadn't gone to that stupid prom. I honestly don't know what the fuck gets into me sometimes.

But he's alive…thank God. And he's happy. And his mother can still hate the pedophile that turned her son queer. I laugh as I get off the bed. I need to take a shower. I stink from last night...which was hell at Babylon. I didn't even get to have much fun with Mikey following me around all night. The one night I say "fuck work" and go out, Mikey decides to ruin it for me. He thinks some thing's wrong with me…thinks I'm acting strange. But he doesn't realize that when you become partner, things do change. You don't have all the time in the world to go out and fuck all night. I now have some shitty responsibilities…I have to take care of my self and my business. I wish he'd understand. Thank God Ben keeps him busy most times.

Emmett and Ted have been acting more loony than usual lately too. I suspect Ted has some stupid crush on Emmett…such a sad, old bastard. What is even sadder is that Emmett may actually be giving him the time of day. Oh well, their fucking business. I try to give them hell about it whenever I see them.

I turn on the shower and get under the water…wash last night's scum away. How I look forward to getting my dick sucked later…the story of my life.

- top - Meet Felix - home -
[ 1 ] [ 2 ] [ 3 ] [ 4 ] [ 5 ] [ 6 ] [ 7 ] [ 8 ] [ 9 ] [ 10 ]
[ 11 ] [ 12 ] [ 13 ] [ 14 ] [ 15 ] [ 16 ] [ 17 ] [ 18 ] [ 19 ] [ 20 ]